Worthless
by nightmare277
Summary: Edward is HIV positive and feels worthless. He knows for him love is just an unreachable dream and he's ok with it …till he meets Bella. An optimistic story about trust, in all its forms, and defying fate. Beginning belongs to VickyC1.EPOV,BPOV R
1. Intro

Worthless

The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

The original idea belongs to VickyC1.

She wrote the first 3 chapters, I'm just trying to continue the story.

Hope you'll like it.

Let us know what you think about it. :)

_Nightmare277 _


	2. Chapter 1 Prologue

_**This chapter has been written by VickyC1.**_

**HEY GUYS. THIS IS SOMETHING NEW FROM ME. :) **

**THIS IS JUST TO SEE WHAT THE REACTION IS TO THIS STORY BEFORE I CONTINUE. IF I CONTINE.**

**DISCLAMIER- I OWN NOTHING. UNFORTUNETLY.**

**REMEMBER HIV AFFECTS SO MANY PEOPLE.**

**Prologue.**

**First came the fever.**

**Second came the Headaches.**

**Third came the rash.**

**Fourth came the sore throat.**

**Fifth came the loss of appetite.**

**Sixth came the aching muscles and joints.**

**Then lastly came the devastating news.**

**I was HIV positive. **

**At the age of 19 I had my whole world taken from me. Tanya, my Girlfriend at the time, cheated on me; a one night stand. The douche she slept with was a HIV carrier and they didn't use a condom. I have Tanya to thank for this. I couldn't forgive her for cheating, and taking my life from me. My Girlfriend since I was sixteen was a stranger to me. We lasted only three days after I got my news. **

**Since we caught it early I got lucky that the treatment may be more effective. My life since the consisted of daily doses of the drug Antiretroviral. I still lived with my parents because sometimes I wasn't strong enough to do things myself but most the time I could live my life like a normal person.**

**Well At least I wished I could.**

**I had dated since the news. But I would never go further than kissing and cuddling. I couldn't. I was to scared. They all left after they heard the truth.**

**I have never felt more worthless. **

**The only thing that really kept me going was my job as a Website designer, my family and my music. Without them I would just be this hollow pathetic shell.**

**There was so much I wasn't going to have. **

**I wasn't going to have the perfect wife. Nobody was going to want me.**

**I wasn't going to have children. I wouldn't ever risk the life of my children or my wife like that. This was my hell, I would live through it alone. **

**And the worse part was: I was going to watch my brother get everything I could never have. **

**I knew deep down inside of me there was still a bit of hope that I will get the chance of love. But it was oh so very slim.**

**REVIEW.**


	3. Chapter 2 Club

_**This chapter has been written by VickyC1. **_

**I hope you like this chapter**

**Chapter two- Club**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing.**

**BPOV**

"No Alice." I hissed staring at the heels she was trying to force me into.

"But Bella!" She whined trying to use her famous pout to get what she wants but it wasn't going to work this time.

I picked up my favorite pair of white flats to go with my black dress. "No".

"Some sister you are." She mumbled placing the heels on her feet instead. Of course Alice wasn't my blood sister. I was adopted by Alice's parents when I was ten after my parents died. To be honest Charlie and Renee Swan were the parents I never had.

Alice was seventeen when I came to live with them and treated me as if I was her sister. She never once questioned it. And the age difference aside Alice was my best friend. I didn't get to see her much because her job as a doctor at Seattle General took up a lot of her time. But today was her boyfriends celebration at some new club, Passion, downtown.

"Here's your fake ID just incase they check." She said handing it to me, Being twenty and a student sucked. I nodded my thanks and we were on our way.

Alice was literally vibrating with excitement in the cab. "Alice your acting like you've never been to a club before."

"I'm just excited. Theres so many people I want you to meet." She started rambling and was talking I only caught bits of what she said. "Sister...bear...problems." Non of that made sense. I blocked out what she had to say for the rest of the ride because it was just a load of rambling. And once we reached the club Alice squealed an launched her self out of the cab and at Jasper who was waiting for us just a few cars down.

"Don't worry Ali I'll pay the cab." I shouted out the window. I heard a muffled thanks. I paid the driver who was looking rather amused.

"Hello Bella." Jasper greeted in his southern drawl.

"Hey." Jasper led Alice and I into the back exit of the club. Apparently he had connections.

"So who's here Jazzie?" Alice asked still vibrating with excitement.

"Rosalie, that's my sister." He told me before turning back to Alice. "Her husband Emmett. Angela and Ben, Paul, Jacob and that old patient of yours Edward."

"Oh yeah. I'm glad Edward here." Alice said loudly over the pounding of the music.

"Me to." He replied. I decided not to ask.

The club was packed, the music pumping and the dance floor was packed with grinding people. Jasper lead us past the dance floor and made his way up to one of the private areas that Alice had hired for the night. People were already seated when we got there all seeming to have fun.

"Hey guys. You all remember Alice don't you?" He shouted to the group. Waves and and greetings were shouted back. "And this is her sister Bella."

"Hi Bella." A blonde said who I guessed was Jaspers sister as the resemblance between them were there. She was gorgeous just like Jasper was. She had long blonde hair, bright blue eyes and one of those bodies that people would pay millions for. She was in the arms of a tall brown haired muscular guy, who I guess was her husband, he kind of reminded me of a teddy bear that you just wanted to squeeze. He was in deep conversation with two short hair native Americans guys, Paul and Jacob I was told, Dancing slowly on the spot, arms around each other, was Angela and Ben. Angela was gorgeous to, light brown hair, tanned skin and a slender figure, she was naturally beautiful. Ben was cute in a geeky kind of way. Brown hair, glasses and a cute little face. I looked around for the other guy, Edward, but apparently he was at the bar getting a drink.

Turning around, I decided to get myself a drink, I actually managed to walk straight into the person I didn't know was behind me.

"Oh crap. I'm so sorry." I gasped loudly. Raising my eyes to the person in front of me. Damn.

**EPOV.**

I don't think I had ever seen anyone more beautiful that the girl in front of me right now. Chocolate brown hair, that I just wanted to constantly run my hands through, matching brown eyes that I was currently lost in. A body that looked like it was carved by Michelangelo himself. Her skin was pale but with a hint of a subtle brush grazing her skin. She was gorgeous. And I've never wanted to be with someone so bad in my life.

When she accidently bumped into me I felt complete as I placed my hand on her arms to steady her. That was three hours ago. I'd found out not only was she beautiful but she was funny, smart, good hearted and perfect in every way. I was certainly crushing on her after the three hours I had spent just speaking to her. And the hard thing was I couldn't be with her in every way. Even if I had the courage to pursue this goddess in front of me, she could only get half of me. My chest was tight and the now common sting of tears was threatening to spill. I wanted it all.

"Do you want to dance?" I asked beautiful Bella as a slow song came on. She nodded shyly. Did I mention she could be incredibly shy?

I grabbed her small delicate hand in mine an pulled her into my embrace swaying slowly on the spot. I couldn't even tell you what song was playing I was to busy concentrating on the way I had Bella on my arms. The smell of strawberries I was getting from her hair.

She giggled softly and it was like the perfect harmony. "What's so funny Bella?" I whispered gently into her ear as she rested her head on my shoulder.

"Alice is staring at us giving the thumbs up." I turned my head an sure enough Alice was trying to be conspicuous about it but failing. But for some reason that was my wake up call. Alice was the Doctor who diagnosed me. She wouldn't want me with her little sister.

"I've gotta go." I said suddenly moving Bella from my arms and heading for my jacket. I left without a backward glance. Feeling as if I had left my heart in there with her.


	4. Chapter 3

_**This chapter has been written by VickyC1. **_

Mom was having one of those dinner parties she throws. My whole family was here along with people from town.

Emmett and I stood in the kitchen whilst the guests arrived. Rosalie was by the front door greeting and taking coats with my Mother and Father.

"Rosie and I are trying for a baby." Emmett told me. His voice was sad and quiet and I knew why.

I swallowed thickly "You don't have to worry about me Em. It's fine I promise." It wasn't fine, I was seething with jealous that he was getting what I couldn't.

"I have to worry about you. Your not just my brother but my best friend to." He placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. I gave him a quick nod. Before we could talk anymore Rose entered the kitchen with someone I couldn't see trailing behind her.

"Guys. You remember Bella?" From behind Rose, Bella emerged in a Lime green strapless summer dress. Of course the girl that haunted my dreams since that night a week ago would look drool worthy the moment I laid eyes on her again. My heart seemed frozen in my chest again as I realized I could never have her.

"Hey Bella." I greeted not being able to make eye contact.

"Hi Edward." Her voice was as angelic as I remembered it and it still made my heart beat faster than I thought possible. I faintly heard her exchange greetings with Emmett before we were the only two left in the kitchen. "Sorry." She whispered.

I looked at her directly in the eye for the first time since she walked in the kitchen. "What for?" My tone was puzzled.

"I obviously did something to upset you the other-" I knew what she meant now.

"Bella that was entirely my fault. Honestly I just really needed to get out of there." I reached my hand out in front of me for her to shake. "Start over?" She smiled brightly and placed her small, delicate hand in mine.

"Hi I'm Bella Swan"

"Edward Cullen. Nice to meet you Bella".

"So what brought you here this evening?" I asked her a little while later as we stood under the willow tree in the garden.

"I'm here with my Father actually." She pointed at Chief Charlie Swan. I gulped wondering if he was carrying his gun with him. "Yourself?"

"This is my parents party. I still live at home so its only polite that I attended." I prayed to God that she didn't question why I still lived at home.

"Fair enough. " Thank you Lord.

"What do you do for a living Bella?" I asked wanting to find out as much as I could about the Angel next to me.

"I'm at college. English Major. I hope to write my own book some day."

"Wow. See I could never do that."

"Do what?" She glanced at me curiously.

"Write book."

"Anyone can write a book. All you need is your head, coffee and your computer." She smiled.

"How old are you Bella?"

"20. You?"

"22. I'm a Website designer."

"Wow. That's so cool." She sounded so excited. "I've always wanted to be able to do something cool like that." She now sound envious.

"Anyone can design a Website Bella." I mocked her words from earlier and she nudged my playfully with her elbow.

My parents went all out with their parties. Did I mention they did fireworks just after dinner. Yep. And they are what lead me to this moment.

She just looked so beautiful standing there, the lights of the fireworks lighting up her beautiful face. She looked so perfect I couldn't help myself.

I placed a very quick and very chaste kiss on her lips.

"What was that for?" She asked seeming stunned.

"Will you go on a date with me?"

One date couldn't hurt? Right?


	5. Chapter 4 Consequences

EPOV

I was standing in my room feeling more scared then I ever was. I couldn't believe I did that! What was I thinking? I mean, she was so perfect and I was already crazy about her, what it will happen if I'll get even closer? What will happen after a few more kisses, when I couldn't get off my mind one small, almost innocent, kiss?

My head was spinning with the speed of light. The memory of that kiss was all I could think of for the last 5 hours since she left. The way I felt when I touch her soft lips it couldn't be compare with anything I ever experienced... maybe just whit the butterflies from my stomach that I felt when I saw the excitement in her eyes, after I asked her to go on a date with me. She was an angel, and I didn't deserve her, I knew that for sure. Maybe if I would be normal and maybe if she would like me to... But I wasn't normal and when her sister will find out with who she dates, she'll tell her what I am. Then, she'll run as fast as she can and I'll just suffer more then I ever did before. I never hated my illness as much as I did it now.

Maybe it would be better to cancel it. Yes, that's the best thing to do. And I will do it, now, when I still have the power to do it. Tomorrow morning I will call her and tell her I need to get out of town or something like that. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I could see she felt guilty for the way I left last time. She was amazingly good. I was the rude one, but she took the blame on her.

Again I felt the need to hit my head to the wall for kissing her. If I wouldn't do that, maybe we could be just friends... maybe I could still have her close to me... I could never be able to be more then a friend to her anyway, so, why did I have to ruin everything?

Still, I can't do that. I can't call her and cancel it. She was happy about it. I'll just upset her. It will be just a date and probably she won't even want to go to a second one. And like this, it would be her choice, not mine. Who cares if it will hurt? At least it won't hurt her. This is how I will do. And maybe I will tell her and ask her to be at least friends. Like this, I'll give her the chance to leave, without any reasons to believe it was her fault.

I wish I could sleep and drown in that parallel universe that I created since last week when I first saw her. It was a universe where she liked me and we could be together. I wish I could stay in it forever...

BPOV

I felt in haven all night and now I was spinning around in my bed incapable to sleep. I couldn't believe he actually asked me on a date! The Greek God just asked me, simple Bella on a date... When I saw him there I was half embarrassed, half happy to see him. Since last week I tortured my brains trying to find out what happened, what made him leave. In the and I got to the conclusion that he saw how fascinated I was becoming with him so, he just that it would be better for everyone to stay away. Like this, I wouldn't hope against hope and he won't end up with a stalker. And that conclusion hurt so much! But tonight, when he told me it wasn't me, I felt so good, even if a voice from my head was screaming he sad it just to make me feel better. He was amazing and around him I just couldn't think about bad things.... It was like magic... Then, the fireworks, I was so happy to be there, so happy he spent the whole evening with me, only with me. I was flying. And then I felt an electric shock running through my whole body while I saw him leaning towards me. When our lips touched... I don't think there are words to describe it. It was just perfect. It was the best feeling I ever had in my entire life and I wished it could never end. I was almost going to lose it and jump on him if he hadn't retreat so suddenly. That let me completely lost. I couldn't think for a few seconds and hurt for the fact he ended it so sun I asked like a child:" What was that for?" After all, if he wanted me as much as I did, he wouldn't stop that easy! I had no idea why he did it. But then he asked me out, which means he wants more and that wasn't just a random, insignificant kiss for him. Or he was just trying to find an excuse. But why would he kiss me in the first place then? No. He wouldn't just play with me. He's not the type. I think I'm pretty good at knowing people. And I feel I know him from a life time.

Since the first time I saw him I was completely fascinated by him. He looked like an angel, but somehow, a lost angel. I could feel he didn't feel good in this world, in that place. It was like he had a burden on his shoulders that was torturing him. But still, he was I fighter: he tried to please everyone, to wear his happy mask. I knew how it felt and how hard was to do that sometimes. I've been there. After my parents died I felt completely lost. Maybe we had our disagreements, but they were my connection to this world. I had no idea how I could do this without them. What was I going to do? I felt like a part of me died with them. Beside that, it was the guilt. Before the accident I had a fight with my father. I told him I hate him just because he didn't let me go an a stupid school trip. I didn't even wanted to go that much, but I was upset he didn't waned to let me go and my friends were going to have fun without me. I will never forgive myself for those words.

Anyway, what I learn from my experience is that life can become beautiful when you let in the people who care about you. First, when Alice and Renee offered to adopt me I was so scared. I couldn't understand why they would want me... After all, I was just a screwed up kid. I was convinced I didn't have anything to offer in return; that I will not be able to love them as they deserve. Still, in time everything worked out just fine. My life is much better then I cold ever dream of, and that's all because of them.

For some reason, I felt I'm supposed to do the same thing for him. I never expected him to want me, but I hoped we could be friends. Everything felt so right when I was around him, that I wasn't sure if I wanted to do this for him or for me. I have a strong feeling that with him in it, my life would be absolutely perfect.

Rememorizing that kiss for the millionth time I fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 5 Give and Take

_**Hi guys, this is the edited version of chapter 5. A much better version of it thanks to my great beta, spiralANgel. **__**There are a lot of changes in this chapter.**__**The next two chaps are still in process. :)) Oh, and Chapter 7 is almost done. ;) **_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**_

Give And Take

**BPOV**

This morning I woke up really early. I was so exited about this that I just couldn't stay in bed anymore. As I moved to get out of bed, my eyes stopped on the clock and I gasped. I slept for 2 hours.

It was 6 AM but I never felt so bursting with energy. This guy's effect on me was a little scary... Ok, maybe more then a little, but I wasn't going to think about that. I ran to the bathroom and enjoyed my morning routine, as much I could. He was going to come and pick me up at 6 pm. What, on earth, am I going to do till then? I started cleaning my room and after a half hour I decided to get to the rest of the house to. After 4 hours I was done. Did I mention I made breakfast for everybody to?

Just then I realize I was supposed to wear something on that date, not that I necessarily wanted to dress up, but I heard this is how it's supposed to be. So I sucked it up and went to my closet but after two hours I decided this was a complete torture! Besides that, I didn't even know were we're going! I needed backup! As I took my phone out my body just froze- I just stood there- frozen with it in my hand, suddenly struck about the consequences of this action.

This was going to end up badly: first will be a storm of questions, with extremely embarrassing answers; then will come the tornado of cloths flying around me and finally, I'll be tied up in The Chair of Torture while she'll do whatever she wants to my hair and face. I have to really like this guy... I thought while I dialed Alice's number.

" Hi, could you come over after you're done at the hospital?"

"What happened? Are you ok? I'll come as soon as I find someone to take my place!" she sounded really scared... I'm not surprised after how I normally react to this she would never suspect my reason. Oh, God, what I have got myself into?

"Relax, nothing happened. I just need your help with something." I said.

"With what?" she asked confused.

"You'll see. " I said all the while thinking that it would be a good idea to give myself a chance to get out of this in case I change my mind. I could tell her I need her opinion on the essay I have to hand over tomorrow… Yeah, that would go. With this I won't even have to say anything about the date! Well, at least in case she' leaves until 6, if not, I'll still have to face the storm of questions.

I hung up and I still couldn't believe I did that. I laid down on my bad thinking about tonight. What if he won't like me? What if he's disappointed in me? Well, I guess it is better now then later, because with every second spent around him, I just get more obsessed.

Suddenly, an idea crossed my mind: it was a story about a girl who falls in love with her master's son. She was just an ordinary housekeeper and he was the perfect guy from all points of view. I got my laptop and I start writing: she is absolutely convinced of her inferiority so she just suffers in silence, dreaming about him. He notice her so, they start talking. He trusts her and they became friends.

She never knew her parents and lived in an orphanage until she was 12. That's when his mother found her and gave her a home. All this will happen at one time in the past when differences between classes still mattered.

They will be separated by prejudices until one day when she finds out she was actually a princess. She was kidnapped when she was only 3 years old. Then, the ones who kidnapped her died in an accident and she was found by a woman who took her in an orphanage. Then everything changes, but not in a good way necessarily…

Slowly, the ideas begin to look, more and more, like a story. Like a book...

The knock at my door made me flinch.

"Hi, sis! What is all this about?" She asked curious and paused when she saw me writing. "Hey, you're writing! Can I see?"

Wow, I didn't even realize that two hours had passed. This was new...

"Earth to Bella!" Alice was waving her hand in my face trying to get my attention. "Can I see it?"

"Not now. But I promise you'll be the first one to read it."

"I'd better be, otherwise you're in trouble." Alice said. Hearing her threatening tone I had to laugh. "Bella could you get yourself together and tell me what you need me for?"

And here comes the worse part. I took a deep breath and I started fast trying to don't give my courage any chance to leave me: "Before I tell you, you have to promise me something: you'll respect my opinion, you won't ask too many questions and you won't laugh or tease me about it!" The words almost blurred together.

"Wow! I'm scared. And curiosity kills me!" pleaded Alice. It was kind of fun to see her like that; the mighty queen who always get's everything effortless is at my feet! Ha! I'd probably take advantage of this as much as I can if I wouldn't be so damn nervous about tonight. I sighed.

"Well..." I had no idea how to say it.

"Just say it! Do you want to get rid of me and you thought this is the easiest way?" she was loosing it, so I decided I had to talk. After all, I needed her in one piece if I wanted her help.

"I need some help to choose something to wear for a date."

Well, her reaction was even stranger then I expected: she was just looking at me with wide eyes, like I just said I came from Mars. Then, after a minute of staring, she bent her had to the left, but she didn't speak yet. After another minute or two, she finally spoke one word:

"Who?"

"Me." I answered confused.

"No. I mean who with?" she said still in shock.

"Hey, I said no questions!"

"But you have to tell me at least this! Please..." and there was those damn puppy eyes again...

"Edward." I said trying to hide my tomato face.

For a second I could swear I saw concern on her face, but it was gone in another second and she started jumping on my bed.

"Great! Why didn't you say that from the beginning? Where are you going?"

"I have no idea." I said relaxing a bit.

Then came the Tornado and The Chair, but something was telling me I didn't get rid of the storm. She was just waiting until tomorrow.

Before 6 pm - I was ready. I convinced her to not exaggerate with the clothing and make up, so I was pretty satisfied with the result. Ok, I admit, more then satisfied! I was walking around like a lion in a cage, with Alice laughing of me from my bed.

I was grateful she had the strength to keep all those questions to herself until tomorrow. An interrogation was the last thing I needed right now.

Of course, when I heard the doorbell I almost fainted. God, I am so pathetic!

"See you tomorrow, Alice!" I said walking to the door.

"No, I'll see you tonight. I'm sleeping here."

I rolled my eyes a little disappointed, but smiling. After all, the Spanish Inquisition was going to be tonight, might as well accept it.

_**Now, tell me what you think about it. Review if you like it, just to let me know there's a point on doing this. :) And thanks again to all of you who still read it, no matter if you've reviewed or not. **_

_**Love you all! XXXXXXX**_


	7. Chapter 6 Taking Chances

_**This is the edited version, the one I was hiding on my computer for so long. spiralANgel did this for me a really long time ago, but I didn't get to upload it till now. I'm a disaster!

* * *

**_

_**Thank you so so so so much for this, spiralANgel.

* * *

**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**_

**Taking Chances **

I was driving towards her home and I still couldn't believe I was doing this. There were so many reasons why I shouldn't have done this, but all those reasons couldn't stop my excitement about it. I've never felt so alive in my entire life! I was nervous all day, like a kid before his first date, although, I always feel great around her. It feels like I'm complete again, like there's nothing wrong with me... She makes all those years of pain go away and I never imagine this could be possible.

Before I realized I was already there. I got out of my car and get to the door. I took a deep breath and ring the bell. After a moment that seemed to last forever, the door opened and Renee invited me in. We talk for a while and, honestly, I have no idea about what. All I know is that I tried my best to be polite and nice, to be the guy who deserves Bella.

When I saw her coming downstairs my breathing stopped. She was amazingly beautiful, and that wasn't just because the wonderful blue dress she was wearing, which seemed to be designed for her, beside that was the way her presence made me feel. It was the way her eyes seem to shine while they never left mine, her smile which seemed to be just for me, the way she acted around me, like there wasn't anyone else in the whole world beside us, like there wasn't anyone else beside me... My hart ached at this thought. I could almost feel the pain all this will turn into in the moment she'll find out the truth, the moment she'll leave. I will never be able to blame her for this, she is incredibly perfect, and I have no right to steal her life away. She deserves the wonderful life, the perfect life, the life I will never be able to give her. And that moment was going to be tonight... if I'll be strong enough, if I'll be smart enough!

But now she was standing in front of me and everything else seem to be insignificant. Thoughts, worries, fears, coherency, self preservation, seemed to be long gone. I guess I'm just a masochistic idiot...

"Hi!" was the best thing I could say. My coherency was still on holyday.

"Hi!"

I think I was just standing there, staring at her as an idiot. Luckily, she brought me back to Earth: "Shall we?"

"Sure."

When we got out the soft wind seemed to set us free, making all the nerves disappear.

"Where are we going?"

Who cares as long as I'm with you? "I don't know. Where would you like to go?"

"Wherever you want, as long as you're coming to."

Even if she said it like a joke, it left me puzzled, but made me feel great in the same time. And I have to admit: she's much straighter then me. Maybe I should work at this part.

I choose the first restaurant that went trough my mind. Until we get there, we talk about all kind of stuffs. Just small-talk. I think I kept the conversation in this zone mostly to avoid the moment when I will have to make one of the toughest decisions I ever made in my life. The funny part was that I was aware that whatever I'll choose it will end up bad. Still, these dark thoughts didn't bother me for too long. When we got to the restaurant, I was flaying away since long ago. After we ordered, we sunk into our conversation again.

"What did you do today?"

"Lot of stuffs" She smiled when she said that, like it was a joke only she could understand. I wonder what it was all about... "I start working at my book."

"Really? That's great! What is it about? Can I read it?"

"I never let anyone read anything until it's done. I guess I'm just scared of not being good enough."

After that we started talking about tones of stuffs: books and authors we loved, music and movies, actors and personal models. We had so much in common. I couldn't believe it.

While we talked I became even more found of her and it was a really disturbing to feel like I was lying to her, that wasn't fair. She should know I don't deserve her. Or, at least, that was what I was telling myself. But behind that I was hoping she'll stay, she'll accept me as I am... She is to kind to just shove mo of. I want her to know, I need her to know.

"So, how is Alice?"

"Hyperactive, as usual." she said laughing.

"I think is great to have a sister like her."

"I know, I'm one of the luckiest persons in the whole world that I found them, actually, they found me..."

"I'm not following..."

"They adopt me when I was 10."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"It's ok. I don't mind talking about it. After all, it was just another life experience that helps me learn more about life, which made me what I am now.

"You're brave, and incredibly mature." That was one of the things that fascinate me about her. She seemed to have the mind of a 40 when she was just 20. I never met anyone like her. I loved her laughter; even though I wasn't really sure way was she laughing like that now. It wasn't a joke, it was a compliment!

"What? What is so funny?"

"My mom use to tell me I was born at 30 and I get older every year..."

"Well, she was right." Now we were both laughing.

"My parents died in a car crash when I was 8. Because I had no relatives to take care of me, my grandmother was in a home for elderly, I was sent to an orphanage. I didn't mind it at the beginning, but the fact that I never manage to fit in, hurt. I started to lose my faith in myself and other people around me. My only refuges were books and school, but it was hard to learn or read when you had so many people around you. There were times when I barely manage to hear my own thoughts. When I met Alice and Esme, I was already a mess. I was 10 and I was sure nobody had any reasons to care about me, or even like me. When they said they want to adopt me, I freaked out. I was sure I will never be able to be good enough for them, or be able to love them as they deserved. I was sure they'll send me back in a month..."

She looked like she was thinking at something, maybe a memory... I wish I knew what it was. I couldn't think about anything else beside the huge resemblance of our experiences. Even if it wasn't about the same thing, the ways we saw the world, our feelings, seemed to be identical. I felt like I was an outsider for the last 3 years, and from some points of view, my entire life. Until she show up. The strange hope that she may understand me was even stronger now. I new I couldn't ask her to see me as a boyfriend or something, but I hoped she will accept me as a friend and she won't run away like the others.

"But if I wouldn't let them in my life, if I would have run away like my fears told me, I don't think I would still be here. I mean, I don't know if I would still be alive, because, I wouldn't definitely be were I am now. Sometimes, you have to give people a chance, to give yourself a chance... because, the worst thing that could happen is not to be rejected, is to wonder forever how it could have been."

At the last part, she was looking me in the eye. That moment I felt she knew about me much more then I could ever imagine. And she saw me only twice before this. Maybe Alice told her... But if she did, what is she doing here? Why she didn't say anything? This just makes me want to know what she thinks even more. While she seemed to see right trough me, she was a total mystery to me... And a masochistic part of me loved that. This thought made me smile.

"What are you thinking about?"

"The way you seem to read me like an open book, while I'm completely lost in darkness."

"What makes you think that I can read you?"

"Trust me, you do!" I laugh at the possibility that she may not realize how close she was of what I felt. She smirked.

"Well, I'm usually considered a good reader, but I see you like an exception. I mean, I have some hints, I suppose you are pretty much like me, in some ways, but I can't see way. So, honestly I have no clue. Besides, I have a strange feeling that my usual instincts don't work on you. "

"In what ways you think I'm like you?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Please, maybe this will help me get out of the fog." I said on my best pleading tone.

"What's in for me?"

"I'll tell you which of them are true, and I'll tell you something you didn't see, although I doubt there is something like this."

"Ok. I like this. I can see sometimes you feel an outsider and I think that's more because you don't think you deserve to be here, even though I can't imagine way. I think you put a wall between you and other people, is like you try to protect yourself from them, and that usually happen when you don't trust yourself, like I use to do. I think there's something you hide deep inside you; something that's hurting you, and I whish you could tell me what it is. But I doubt you will. Besides that I think you're a great guy, mature, smart and loving who doesn't see himself very clearly, because if you would, all those things wouldn't bother you."

I was staring at her puzzled for the second time in this evening. I expected to figure out some stuffs, but not that precisely. I wasn't very convinced about the last part, but I guess after all the bitterness she had to add some compliments to.

"Wow. You are good at this!"

"Thank you. Now it's your turn!"

"You're right about almost everything: I feel like an outsider, but that's because I am different, very different..."

"But in a good way!"

"It's not in a good way, trust me." She definitely didn't know. I wonder how she'll see me after she'll find out.

"I told you, you don't see yourself clearly."

"Yeah, right... Remember the part about the thing that I hide, although I would say it's more like I'm not ready to talk about it, trust me, you'll see me more clearly when you'll find out what it is."

"I doubt that, but if it makes you feel better... Next, please." Her tone was official, but in a funny way. It gave me the feeling that I'm in front of a shrink, so I start laughing.

"I put a wall between me and others because of that thing and the way people tend to run away in the second they find out about it. I prefer to don't get to close to someone to be safe. I got burn enough for a lifetime..."

Her eyebrows unite, she looked like she was displeased, maybe worried, about something. But then she raises her head and smile looking me in the eyes:

"Still, I hope you'll take a chance with me."

Ok, this began to be strange: I was puzzled for the third time, end it was just... damn! How on earth could time pass so quickly?

"You know it's past midnight?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"I wish!" She smiled at that one, god knows why... Maybe she wants to go home... That hurt!

"I think I should take you home."

"I'm not sure about that..."

Now I'm confused!

"Why don't we go for a walk?" So she wants to stay with me! I couldn't halt the large smile that lean on my face.

"That's a great idea! Where would you like to go?"

"I know a nice park not far from here we could go to. But only if you want to. Or we could go home if..." she seemed to be worried she'd push it to far, or that I didn't want to go. Well, I guess she isn't such a good people reader after all.

"No, I don't want to let you go so soon!" A smile lightened up her face and my mind went blank. How was this possible? How could a single human being be holding so much perfection?

We left the restaurant still talking about the clarity in our way of seeing each other. It was funny. She kept telling me how many reasons I have to ignore the bad things, but when I was told her the same thing, she was even more stubborn then me. I think I just find another thing we have in common.

It was a beautiful night. Everything seemed to shine under the moonlight, the wind was playing with her hair, making her look like a fairy. I felt hypnotized...

"You know, I never thought someone like you may exist."

She stopped and turn towards me smiling. Then, before I could see it coming, she kissed me.

A storm of electricity went through me when our lips touched. Even if my mind was stunned, my body reacted immediately.

I hugged her, pulling her closer to me. Her lips were driving me insane, making me hold her tight. Maybe tighter then I should have, but I didn't let go. Maybe because I didn't want to let her go or maybe because I was afraid I could lose her. But she never stepped aside. She was just holding me tighter and that blew off my mind.

When, unfortunately, we needed to breathe neither of us seemed to want more space. We just stood there, with our foreheads leaned on each other and looking into each other eyes. Right then, after that kiss, she looked so happy. She was glowing while she was wearing the most amazing smile I've ever seen. I couldn't believe, I was afraid to believe, that all these could be because of me. Anyway, one thing I knew for sure… I love this girl and I'd do anything for her.

After that, we kissed again, and again, and again… We sat on the closest bench. She was lying down in my arms, while we were kissing and cuddling. Her kisses were intense and full of passion. If I would be normal, I don't know were all this would lead to…

We didn't talk too much; I guess we talked enough beforehand. Time flew off with the speed of sound. When we realized the sky was lighting up, the clouds began to show their faces and the darkness was fading slowly, we looked at each other and start laughing like crazy.

"Where did the night go?"

"I have no idea. Maybe I should get you back home until Chief Swan reports you missing."

"Do you really have to?"

"Well, I'm not too crazy about it either."

"Then I'll take my chances. I want to see the sunrise."

"That's fine with me!" I said hugging her tighter while I planted a soft kiss on her neck.

Unfortunately, the sunrise came much to fast, so, with no excuses left over we went slowly back to my car.

While I was driving towards her home she starts laughing with no connection with what we were talking about.

"What is it?"

"I've just reminded about the Spanish Inquisition waiting for me at home."

"I'm not fallowing…"

"Well, Alice is going to get me through a tornado of questions."

That reminded me of what I was doing. Of course she'll want to know. She's worried about her sister. I guess my feelings were obvious on my face, because she took my hand and said smiling:

"Don't worry, I don't kiss and tell."

"I'm not worried about that!" I couldn't halt to roll my eyes. She could be such a bad reader sometimes. "You can tell her everything." I said looking her in the eye and squeezing her hand. "There's nothing I could want to hide about this night."

"Ok…" She looked confused, but I wasn't going to get into details, not now.

"So, what did she said about this?" I asked more curious then I wanted to let her see, taking advantage of the fact that this seemed to be just a way of avoiding explanations. Which it actually was, but anyway… I'm even confusing myself!

"She was really happy. I never saw her so exited about any of my dates, and I have to admit; now I know why!"

And now it was my turn to be confused! Why would Alice be exited about her sister dating a HIV positive guy? Does she want to get rid of her? No, that doesn't seem like Alice, even if it seems to be the only logical explanation. I guess it's not just a myth the 'whole girls are illogical' thing. Anyway, maybe that was before… But when she'll see the time I'm taking her back, she'll probably cut my balls off. The funny part was that I couldn't blame her.

Again, we got there to soon. I walked her to the door and she turn towards me. She smiled and put her hands around my neck.

"Thank you for tonight." I whispered in her ear.

"Thank you for taking a chance with me." That one let me speechless. I just kissed her trying to put all my feelings for her in it, all their intensity.

"When I can see you again?"

"Whenever you want, just call me." she answered with that amazing smile on her face while she starts to walk slowly to the door.

Seeing her disappearing inside was even harder then I ever imagine. I stood there, lost in my thoughts for a while. It could have been there a minute or an hour, I couldn't tell. Then I snapped out of it, got to my car and went home.

All this time I couldn't get a grin of my face. I bet I was looking like I was high. She's like a drug to me… And that terrifies me! I don't think I'll be able to survive after she'll leave. But who cares now? I just had the best night of my life. I couldn't wait to see her again. I took my phone, and without too much thinking, I start texting:

"I hope I didn't wake you. I was wondering if you'd like to go on a picnic tomorrow. I know a great place I think you'll love. I could come to pick you up at 3 in the afternoon. It's ok if you have other plans or if you think it's too early, just say another hour and I'll be there.

Sweet dreams,

Edward."

After I sent it I start wondering it wasn't too soon, if I wasn't too pushy. What if she'll say no? The sound of my phone got me out of my mental bubbling.

"Don't worry, I'm not sleeping, I'm still fighting The Spanish Inquisition :) I'd love to come and 3 it's not to early. I can't wait to see you again.

Sweet dreams,

Bella."

If before I was flying, now I was floating in outer space! I had to seriously focus to stop myself from jumping around the room like a three years old. Nothing could make me sad right now, not even the thought that she'll leave one day. Right now, I'm the happiest guy in the universe!


	8. Chapter 7 From the Other Side

_**Missed me? This is a glance at BPOV from the other side of the door. It's short, but I felt it was needed. Next two will be APOV and I'll upload them as soon as they'll be ready. :) **_

_**I want to thank to **_**hollymarie6** _**for her suggestion. I was thinking to make an APOV but I still wasn't sure who to choose, Alice or Bella. So, if you like the result, you should be thanking her to. **_

_**Now, we'll just have fun for the next three chaps. ;)**_

_**Hope you'll enjoy it. :)

* * *

**_

_**Edited by my beta, spiralANgel. Thanks again, kid. :)

* * *

**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**_

**From The Other Side**

**BPOV**

It was impossible to make my body move towards the door! If it was my choice, I would take his hand and run away with him on some lost island, where nothing else could reach us. But it wasn't and I liked him way too much to scare him away from the first night. Only the thought of doing something that could make him run away scared me like hell and give me the impulse I needed to go straight to the door, as fast as I could… well… considering my best speed could have been compared easily with the speed of a snail…

It's strange but it felt like with every step I took, every inch of distance that grew between us, was burning my heart. When I get to the door I had to fight the urge to run back to him for a last goodnight kiss, or good-morning-sweet-dreams considering the hour. Luckily, I was aware this will just make things worse, because I'll have to come back eventually.

I turned around for the last time and I saw him standing where I left him, unmoved, with his eye burning mine. I smiled mesmerized and I ran inside, before I'd give in and get back in his arms.

After I closed the door I just stood there, with my back against it, lost in the huge amount and variety of emotions I've been through this evening. What is my problem? What is this? What is it about this guy that makes me feel like this? Oh, besides the fact he's the masculine version of me, a way better version of course, but still, we have so much in common! It's almost scary! Besides, he's brilliant, kind, caring, mysterious and just to make things even worse, he's deathly hot. He's blue eyes have a depth which hunts my dreams, his features are inhumanly beautiful, even his most innocent touches drive me insane, his kisses throw me into another dimension where time and space disappear.

I guess there's no hope for me, not after this night!

I wonder how Alice's night was… I bet she waited for me as long as she could stay awake, but I did it! I got rid of the storm until tomorrow, most likely afternoon, because I have no intention to get up sooner! Maybe even until tomorrow night. I smiled widely at this thought.

I went upstairs trying to make as little noise as I could. I knew Alice will be sleeping in my room. I decided to take my pajamas and run away as fast as I could. The door was slightly open and I could see her lying down in my bed. I rolled my eyes and pushed the door as slowly as I could; doing my best to not make any noise.

"OUCHHH! What the fuck? AAALLLLIIIICCCCEEEEEEE!"

* * *

_**This was it. Hope you like it. :) If you do, please review. **_

_**Thank you for reading this. **_

_**Love you all! **_


	9. Chapter 8 Stake Out

_**Thank you so much for your reviews. You're great! **_

_**Here it is the first part of APOV. Again, not too long, but the next will pay for my sins. :)) **_

_**Have fun!

* * *

**_

_**Edited by spiralANgel. :)

* * *

**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**_

Stake Out

APOV

This was a very interesting evening. When she told me why she called me, I thought my brain stop working properly. It was beyond my imagination, and trust me, I have a really good imagination! But then, when she told me who she's dating, things start to make sense.

I always thought they would be perfect for each other and I'm so glad she didn't back off because of his condition. I was almost sure this will be her reaction, but still, you could never know… Anyway, it was funnier then I expected! Seeing her blushing at my every insinuation was nice, but the real fun began when I saw her walking around like a scared kitty. I thought she was going to explode! I needed to do some advanced math calculus to stop myself from poking on her. I still needed her and I'm sure she would have been long dead before he's arrival if I would have said anything. Besides, I was really curious how things will work out.

After she left, I went straight to her laptop. I was deathly curious to see what she was working on. She's really good, but she never believes it. She's always afraid to show anything before it's done. Like anyone would look at details. I mean, we're not critics or anything! Besides, even if we would have been, her drafts were better then some published books, so, who cares! I just hope Edward will help her regain her self-esteem. They'll be great for each other!

What the fuck! Why does she always have to use passwords for everything? I hate her! Let's see… 'kitty'… no, that would be too easy… 'Edward'… yeah, I guess it's a little too early for this one… 'butterfly'… oh, come on!... 'swam'… why does she has to have such a great imagination?... '03.31.1987'… and such a twisted, complicated mind? … … ….

40 minutes and I run out of ideas. I guess I'll just watch a movie or something. I'm so not going to fall asleep! She's not getting rid of me!

… 10 PM …. Well, it seems they have fun.

….11 PM …. Yeah, I guess I could expect this.

…. 1 AM ….. Hm, this starts to get weird… Nah, I don't have anything to worry about. She's safe with him.

…. 4 AM ….. Ahhh, what? I slept for so long? Where is she? Great! I guess I'll just go back to sleep!

…. 5:30 AM… She's so in trouble… and she'll spit it all out! Hm… let's see… what I could do to make sure I'll be awake when she'll get here? "This is just perfect!" I said taking an Advanced English Dictionary from her shelf. This is going to be good! I went back to bed and fall asleep without any worries. I'll know when she'll get home, that's for sure!

…

"OUCHHH! What the fuck? AAALLLLIIIIIIICCCCCEEEEEEEE!"


	10. Chapter 9 Spanish Inquisition

_**Edited by spiralANgel. Though I added some things on my own, so if you'll find some mistakes they're mine. :D Thank you, spiralANgel. :)

* * *

**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**_

**Spanish Inquisition**

**Avoiding Questions and Staying Alive**

**APOV**

"OUCHHH! What the fuck? AAALLLLIIIIIIICCCCCEEEEEEEE!"

That almost made me fall off the bed! Nice, this thing did its job even better then I expected! Plus, it had managed to not crack her head, even though she'll probably have head aches for a while… I wish there would have been an easier way for her, but love is worth any sacrifice, right?

"It was about time!" I mumbled trying to hide my excitement.

"You're completely crazy! This is just sick!"

Wow, what a reaction! Was the date that bad? Then why did she stay that long? I have to find out!

"Relax, it was just a book."

"Yeah, just a small-pocket-dictionary with 1000 pages!" she yelled throwing it towards me.

"1326 actually…" I said taking the deathly weapon from my pillow where it landed and looking at the last page.

If looks could kill, I'd be knocking at the heaven's door by now. "Relax, kid! It's your fault anyway! I had to do something to make sure I'll wake up when you'll get home. I couldn't let you get away without the interrogation!"

"And it didn't cross your mind the fact that I being dead could complicate things a little?"

"Not really… This seemed to be the best idea. What else could I do?"

"Hm… let's see… couldn't you just stay awake?"

"Wow… period much?" Yeah, if an eye could kill, I should be a miracle of medicine to be killed so many times by now. "That was the initial plan. It's not my fault you came home at… ARE YOU CRAZY? IT'S ALMOST 7 AM! I HAVE TO BE AT THE HOSPITAL IN 3 HOURS!"

"Really? I didn't notice…" she says looking me with an innocent-angel-eye.

"I bet you didn't!"

"I don't see what your problem is? You didn't react like this even when I was 15!"

"God, I miss those days… when I was still able trust you're innocence… " and your virginity…

"What is that suppose to mean?"

She must be really dizzy if she doesn't see my point. I told her about him that evening.

"Long story. Now spit it out! How it went?"

"What about the story?"

"I have to leave to the hospital till 9:30! Just speak. You'll figure it out as soon as you'll get out of daze."

"Well, we could talk when you get back from the hospital."

I aimed her with my best 'I'm-going-to-kill-you-and-bury-your-body-somewhere-deep-in-the-forest' eye. "Are you kidding me? Do you think I stayed awake all night just to let you get away like that?" She seemed to get the idea. Then I realize something and an evil smile replace the eye. "Anyway, I bet you can't wait to talk about it! You'd go crazy if you can't talk about it until tonight."

After the expression on her face I could swear I was right. Ha! I got her!

"But I…"

"Come on; just tell me how it went!"

"Well, it was… Oh… You know… It's just… I don't even…"

"Could you be more specific, honey?" I asked as ironical as I was capable of.

"I don't think so… this is me being coherent…"

"So, I guess it was nice." I said rolling my eyes and waiting for her reaction.

"Nice?"

I knew this will work! "Explain then."

"You're impossible!"

"I thought we got over this. Try to remember I got just two hours left."

"Ok… First we went to that nice restaurant, where we went for your birthday. We talked about a lot of things. He's… I don't even think I can find the words for it… He's more then perfect. We didn't even felt how the time goes. We just realized it was past midnight. Still, we didn't want to go home yet, so we went for a walk in the park. It was great: moon, stars… and nobody else beside us. We didn't talk that much after we get there."

Ok, this makes me worry a little. I knew I can trust him, but I didn't think about her… Let's not jump into conclusions.

"So, what did you do the entire night?" I asked as innocent as I could considering the facts.

"We just kissed and cuddled." I start to feel better, even though a part of me knew it won't be a problem. After all, they are both grown up and he wouldn't hurt her. "He didn't even try anything! I was a little disappointed about that, it really wouldn't have been a problem if he would have done it." she said with a suggestive smile.

God, I knew this girl has a strong self destructive instinct but I never expected to come out so soon in this case to, so I just start laughing.

"Slut!" I said throwing a pillow in her direction.

"Who's talking!"

And so, the pillow fight began. I was sorry for poor Edward. She can be disastrously hard to resist when she wanted with that wild kitty eye and grace even if she isn't always aware of it."Poor Edward!" I said without thinking.

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"I bet you gave your best tonight." I smiled as suggestive as she did before.

"Not really, I like him and I liked how the way things were going, so I tried to be good, even though I'm not sure I succeeded entirely…"

"As I was saying!" I said rolling my eyes, but feeling relief knowing she didn't lost completely her self preservationsense. Though, I bet the only real risk was to make him run as far away as he could.

"Oh, give me a break! So what would be the problem even if I would? Have you ever seen a guy to have a problem with sex from the first date? That's girls' field!"

Ok… is she joking? I told her about him and she says she likes him! Why on earth would she push him to his limits? She'll just scare him away! Only if… I wonder…

"Do you remember what I told you in the cab when we went to Jasper's birthday party?"

"Should I?"

"Well, I thought that at least that you'll remember!"

"Can you be more specific?"

"What I told you about him?"

"What? You told me something about him?"

'_Why I'm not surprised?_' I thought rolling my eyes. "It's not my fault you never listen!" I said with an exasperate face. Writers! Always flying out of this world! I could write an encyclopedia with the things she never listened to. But just then I realize what a big mistake was to bring this up. She just attacked me… I'm so dead!

"What did you tell me?"

Yeah, right, like I'm going to let her get away with it so easy!

"Well, next time, you should listen!"

"NO! You can't do this to me!" seeing her so desperate made me burst into laughter. Again, big mistake. I did a few steps backwards, but she just chased me around the room.

As much as I tried to escape, she was worse then a mountain lion chasing his catch!

"I'm not telling you!" I said between laughter.

"What kind of sister are you!"

I had to find something fast! I just hit the wall and I've no where to run!

"That hurt kitty eye won't help you! Not this time!" I said trying to play for time.

"That's just cruel!" Bella said.

I had to think fast. To find something that would give her a hint and stop her from pushing him away, because I couldn't tell her, it was his decision from now on. I really don't want to screw things up for them. If I'm lucky I may actually find out what he told her…

"If you know something you have to tell me! It's your duty as a sister! You can't just let me date a serial killer or something…"

Ok, this is too much. I was choking from laughter and I let myself fall down to the floor.

"I'm glad you think this is funny!" I swear she was going to explode or throw me out of the window, and for some reason, I think the second option was more likely.

"Get down here! As much as I love your 'serial-killer-kitty-eye' I think will just tell you."

"Finally!" The look on her face was priceless, so I burst into laughter again, unable to stop.

"Are you mocking me? You know this isn't just a look, I've got the whole arsenal." she said rising a pillow.

That just made me laugh even harder, even if I had to keep away from that pillow. She was so crazy about him! I have an inborn talent on this. I should have made a job out of this! And it's not too late… "Ouch!" My internal talking stopped me from seeing the pillow until it reached my head.

"Are you aware that if I can't think, I can't tell you, right?"

"It was just a pillow, cry baby! Though, I may try something else next time… " she said with an evil smile. Ok, that's scary!

"OK, relax! What I was saying is that he isn't a usual guy… "

"Get to the part that I don't already know!"

"God, you're impossible!"

"Pleesssee" Damn innocent kitty look!

"Spoiled kitty!" I spat rolling my eyes. "Well, he got hurt a lot so, he's not that crazy about jumping into relationships…"

"The part I don't know! …Please." she added with an angel face when she saw my face.

"Then why don't you just tell me what you already know so I can tell you just the part you don't know, before I change my mind." This started to become annoying! If I see a single innocent kitty face I'll drag her on the roof and throw her down from there. Fortunately, she choose the first option.

"All I know is that there is a reason why people 'always' reject him or at least that's what he said, though I doubt it could have any effect on me. "

"Did he give you a hint or something?"

"No, he said he's not ready to talk about it. Please tell me you know what is this all about!"

Damn! I'm in trouble.

"I'm not sure. I mean, I know from Jazz that he had some problems in his teenage, because of his high school girlfriend. He was dating with her for three years… or something like this. What I can tell you is that he's not the type who takes advantage of girls, especially if he likes them. Plus, he doesn't do it unless he knows a girl very well and he makes sure she knows him to, it's more about the fact that he wants know her reaction at the stuff so that things to be clear until they move forward. As I said, he doesn't want to take advantage of anyone." Wow, I'm brilliant! That was better then I imagine!

"Is it bad?"

"Of what I know is more a matter of shallowness. I guess he didn't have the luck to find the right person."

"So you think we have a chance?" Her face began to lighten up.

"Why do you think I dragged you there?" I said rolling my eyes and feeling like a genius.

"That's flattering, but what if he's not that crazy about me?"

"I think you'll see this along the way. All I can tell you for sure is that he's not stupid. He's way different then that idiot." I've frown thinking about Jake and what he did to her.

"That's the whole point!" she said looking depressed "He's a 1000 times better then Jake, and if you ask me, he's way out of my league." Now she looked like a helpless kitty. I could almost cry, if I wasn't so caught up in the need to beat her up. She can't do this to herself anymore! It's not fair!

"Fortunately, no one is asking you. He's the one who'll decide this, so, until then, shut up and enjoy it!" I said smiling widely.

"But…" I raise the pillow that hit my head a while ago using the scariest eye I had. She had to get over the whole insecurity stuff before she blew this off because of it.

"I…" I raised it a few more inches…

"You…" she tried again and now the pillow was over my head. She rolled her eyes and I could swear she was going to make me use it, but then her phone start ringing. She jumped up with the speed of sound and attacked the poor phone even worse then she attacked me… and that says a lot! Now it was my turn to roll my eyes when a huge grin lied on her face. I jumped up and I took the phone out of her hands. So what! I was curious! She just stood there, in shock for a second, but then the haunting began.

I jumped on her bed trying to get rid of her, but she just followed me; from the bed I jumped on the sofa, but she appeared in front of me. I took a pillow and throw it into her face to gain some time to get down. Then I finally managed to put some space between us, but she was tracking me worse then a mountain lion. I always called her kitty because of her agility and of her looks, but I think I should change it in something like 'wild crazy cat' or 'master of destruction lion'. That would suit much better. She almost got me near the desk, but I dragged the chair in front of her and that made her fall, while I climbed on the desk taking a circuit to the other side. When I thought I was finally safe, I looked at the message:

"_I hope I didn't wake you. I was wondering if you'd like to go on a picnic tomorrow. I know a great place I think you'll love. I could come to pick you up at 3 in the afternoon. It's ok if you have other planes or if you think it's too early, just say another hour and I'll be there._

_Sweet dreams, _

_Edward."_

This is so sweet! I should have done this long time ago! Maybe I would get her rid of Jerk-Jake sooner and without that much anguish for her.

"Ouch!" Suddenly all my body hurt and I had something heavy on top of me. What can I say; this guy shows the best of her. She took a shortcut: she got up on the bed and jumped over me. I was lucky to be still in one piece. The phone was out of my hands before I could even realize what was happening. She was texting, completely out of this world. Hm, and she was teasing me for being over the head about Jazz! Hypocrite! I wonder what she'd say if she'd see herself!

I looked around and I start laughing; the room looked like a tornado passed trough. The sheets were somewhere down the floor; pillows were everywhere, like it had snowed with them; the chair was upside-down; the books and the other things from her desk were lying on the floor. I doubt there was anyone still sleeping in this house. I wasn't sure about the neighbors either. I heard her laughing by my side. I bet she was thinking about the same thing.

For the first time today I was glad that I had to go to the hospital so soon. She's going to clean it all up by herself! Ha! But she has a picnic this afternoon and she'll probably come back as soon as today, so I guess I'll sleep here again tonight. Jazz will understand me… what kind of sister I would be if I'd let my only sister to come back home from a date without torturing her to tell me everything, even if that will cost me some help on cleaning up the room.

"I've missed you!" she said hugging me tightly.

"I've missed you to. The worst part about moving out is that I don't have you around. And I've really missed our crazy talks." I answered hugging her back.

"Especially boy-talks…" she added throwing us back into a tornado of laughter. "Lets make some breakfast!"

"Aren't you suppose to sleep? Next round began in… less then 8 hours." I said rising an eyebrow.

"Who needs sleep! I'm too excited to be able to sleep! Besides, I'm hungry."

"Yeah, me to." I said barely able to halt the laughter "Pancakes, here we come!"

**I hope it rises to your expectations. Thank you again for your reviews. Reading them makes me want to work harder. :) So, if you liked it, please review.**

**Have a great weekend everybody. **

*****kisses*****


	11. Chapter 10 Diffidence

**Sorry for the delay but I was busy lately. I have the feeling I didn't get to create the image I wanted to for the sisters' relationship, so I added this hopping it'll make this clearer.**

**Btw, in the next one we go back to our love-birds. ;) I Promise!**

**Hope you'll like it.

* * *

**

_**Edited by spiralANgel.

* * *

**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**_

**Diffidence**

**BPOV**

Alice was running around the kitchen, cleaning up the disaster we created trying to create some breakfast masterpiece. Well, I can't complain, we did a pretty good job. Meanwhile, I was just staring out the window, suddenly feeling anxious.

"Something wrong, sis?"

"I don't know." I said trying to avoid Alice's searching look. I knew she always sees right through me and I knew I needed her, I just needed to talk to her but I guess I was afraid to say it out loud. It's like those nightmares… you don't want to say anything about them because you're afraid you may invoke them, bring them to life in the moment they reach your lips.

She got up from her chair and came to hug me.

"It's going to be fine. You deserve it." As I was saying, she always see right trough me.

"I'm so scared…"

"I know. But you have to give life a chance; you know the best things in life are always the one we are the most afraid of."

I smiled sadly and shook my head. I know she's right, still, I know myself too.

"I'm going to blow things up sooner or later…"

She rubbed my back, looking at me with a caring eye. "You have to stop blaming yourself for all the things that happen around you. You have to learn to trust yourself again."

"But you know it was my fault! You know you can't blame him." It was just me! I screwed things up badly and no matter how hard she would try, she couldn't convince me I'm wrong! "No guy cheats on his partner if he's happy in his relationship!"

"Not really, some of them cheat just for the fun of it. You know: the lack of commitment stuff."

"Yeah, but even they can find someone, at some point, who make them want to be faithful. Jazz use to be a player before he met you."

She sighed. "Ok, you're right, but there's one thing about relationships that I know for sure: they are all about being at the same level. All breakups' reasons can be reduced to one single thing: different levels of maturity. Sometimes, it's no one's fault. Sometimes, it's all about making room in your life for something that suits you better."

"So I wasn't mature enough for him? But why? We lasted for so long. How could everything be right for four years?" It hurt so much to see the truth! Even though I got over Jake, it still hurt to think about what I lost and how I lost it.

"The immature one wasn't you! He reacted childish and self-centered about some real facts. It wasn't your fault at all. Or, at least, not in a bad way." Her trust was reflected in her eye and it was burning me. Why? Because I was afraid of how she'll react when she realizes how wrong she is to trust me. Though, beside the usual, now I was afraid of her being wrong to. This time I cared; this time I would give anything to see she's right… This time I couldn't afford to be right, because if I am, I would fall and I doubt I could ever get up again… I know it's silly to be so crazy about him so soon, but I guess it has to do with the fact he seem to be everything I ever wanted from a guy; he's like a mirage, like a fairytale creature, like an angel… Jezz, when I've became so girly?

"You know why I believe this will end up just fine?" she said with a warm voice, looking me in the eye. I just shook my head. "Because I know you both." I raised an eyebrow suddenly becoming very curious. "Maybe I know you more then I know him, but I've heard enough about him too." She added after she saw my face. "I know you've both been through some kind of hell and I know both of you are capable enough to love, to listen and to understand. I know you both have minimum amounts of ego, so this won't be a problem this time. Besides all that, you seem to be crazy about each other."

"I know I'm crazy about him, but I don't think he's crazy about me." I said.

"Listen to me, if there is anything that can break you to apart, It's your lack of confidence. You are both down when it comes to self-confidence. So, you see, you are the perfect match!" she said smiling.

"If you see it from this perspective, it's not very funny. I don't know about him, but I doubt I can get over my fears." I have to admit, this was terrifying me. Seeing it this way, everything seemed to be already over. I could feel tears trying to escape, but I fought them back.

"Honestly, I hope he will help you with this. I hope you'll help each other. Just try to have some faith, ok?"

"I…"

"At least promise you'll try."

"I doubt I have a choice not to… So, yeah, I promise. " I definitely had no choice. I was crazy about him and I had no chance to go back now. Even if it will hurt one day, at least I'll enjoy it for now… I think it's worth it.

"You have to go to sleep now, it's nine already, and you don't have too much time left for your beauty sleep." she said trying to get me out of my zombie state. Unfortunately, I didn't even have the energy to smile. "What's wrong?" I could see her concern and I started giving myself mental kicks for getting her into all this. She shouldn't have to be sad because of this! I knew I should just shut up, but one side of me also knew it would be a waste of time. She has amazing inquisitor skills, she should have been born in the 13th century. The other side of me needed her so bad. I felt I was going to explode if I wouldn't say it, so, I whispered in a low voice, which I wasn't even sure she would hear:

"I'm scared to go to sleep. I'm scared that when I'll get up, all this will be gone…"

She hugged me tight while tears were running down my face. Her inner light was calming me slowly. It felt like all the dark thoughts from my mind were chased away, in the same way the wind make the clouds go away… She always succeeded to bring up my optimistic side. After a few minutes and oceans of tears, I was functional again, even happy. Then I realized she has to leave to hospital in less then half hour.

"I'm sorry Al, you're going to be late because of me! Please go and get ready."

"Don't be silly. I'm not going to leave my little sister alone just to have a coffee with my colleagues. I have my first appointment at 10:40."

"Ok, but seriously, you can go. I'm fine now thanks to you." I smiled widely. I really was feeling better.

"Well, at least you look better." she smiled. "So what are we going to wear today?"

Oh, no! I knew that look and it definitely didn't mean anything good!

"It's just a picnic! I think I can handle by myself, thank you." I said defensively.

"Come on… please…" I shook my head and closed my eyes trying to avoid being brain washed by those puppy eyes.

"Please…" Sometimes I didn't really understood why she called me kitty; she was more like a fawning kitty then I could ever be.

"Fine! But I'll have to approve the final result."

She starts jumping around and hugs me. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

Before I could spell 'outfit' I was dragged into my room and clothes were flying everywhere around me. Strange, but this time I kind of enjoy it. "I think I'm going crazy!" I said laughing.

"No, I think you're starting to be normal again! What do you think about this?" she asked holding a pair of black skinny jeans and a blue t-short. I have to admit, I liked it.

"Wow, I'm impressed! I have to admit this is almost what I was thinking about, only much better. Who are you and what you did with Alice?" I still couldn't halt my laughter.

"Really?" she asked with a huge smile on her face.

"Do you ever hear me joking about something like this?" I winked and her smile became wider though I didn't think that was possible.

"This will be a challenge…" I said looking around the room. I bet I won't be in the mood of any cleaning up tonight.

"Don't worry, I'll help you."

"It's ok. I will try to do it tonight, just to get it over with."

"I'll be here tonight." she looked at me amused and rolling her eyes.

"It's ok, seriously. I don't want to make Jazz hate me even more."

"He won't. I'm taking him with me." She stop breathing, waiting for my reaction. I needed a little time to process the information, but then I jumped and hugged her.

"Tell me all about it!" I demanded. I knew they were dating for almost three months and two months ago they moved in together, but she never brought a guy to meet our parents before, no matter how long lasted the relationship. Except of the ones our parents already met in other circumstances, she is pretty reserved about her love life. I am the only one who knows everything. I knew it was something special about this guy, but I never expected this! She sighed in relief when she saw my reaction.

"Well, I thought about it before but I wasn't sure how he'll react. I didn't want him to think I'm too obsessed or something, so I let it go. This morning when he called me, I said I wished to stay a little longer with you but I miss him and I don't want to leave him alone either, that I have no idea what to do. He said it's ok and he'd come with me if I wanted him to. I almost fainted!"

"That's great, Al!"

"I know!"

"Well, at least you don't have to worry about his feelings! Any guy who volunteers to meet your parents is definitely crazy about you!"

"Well, I'm pretty sure I love him… and this scares me a little, maybe more then a little…"

"Is this coming from the 'I know it's going to be ok, just trust yourself' expert?" She just smirked and rolled her eyes. "Don't worry; he would be retarded not to love you, which isn't the case from what I know."

I was so happy for her! She is a great person and she truly deserves to be happy!

"You know, you could bring Edward too. He could help us with cleaning up… "

"That would be funny! ' What happened in here?' 'Oh, nothing, just me and Alice talking about you…' "

"You're right, that would be funny. I'm sure he'll hate me after that!"

"Why?"

"He'll probably think I was trying to keep you at home or something." she laughs, but it wasn't her usual laughter. If I didn't knew my imagination so well, I could swear she knows more then she's telling me.

"Yeah, you're probably right."

"Ok, now go to sleep! I need you functional tonight."

"What for?" I asked on an innocent tone, trying my best to look like I didn't get the point.

"I don't know exactly how much you can resist without sleep and I bet you won't get home too early."

"And that would be a problem because…?" I wasn't going to let it go that easy. She rolled her eyes.

"What kind of sister I'll be if I'd let my little sis' go through all this by herself?"

"You have no idea how right you are!" I said hugging her. That was completely truth. I needed to talk to her about this way more then she needed to listen. "Thank you for everything!"

"It was entirely my pleasure. And you have no idea how many things I have to thank you for! So, thank you." she said smiling.

That was one of the many things I was thanking her for: knowing to make me feel better, make me feel like I matter… for giving me a home, for being my best friend, for saving my life…

"Now go to sleep! I'll se you tonight. Love you sis'!"

"Love you to, sis'!"

"Sleep well!"

"You to!" I said as she burst into laughter "What? Who said you can't sleep at the hospital? People do that all the time!" I wasn't going to admit I mean it so easy!

"Good point! Have fun!" she said closing the door and leaving me with my dear battlefield-room.

I took a pillow from the floor and dragged myself in my bed. Truth is I was tired, but I didn't care too much. Right now felt like I'm the luckiest girl in the world! How could I not be having a sister like Alice and a … how to call him … a date like Edward? Sure, I wish I could say it's more, he's definitely more then that for me, soul-mate could be the right word, but I can't afford to hope so high. It will hurt too much when I'll fall.

But Alice was right; it's stupid to think about that now. Don't suffer until you have the proof. As much as I think about it, I realized that the best things that ever happened to me are somehow related to Alice. Her confidence in me, the way she pushed me to confront my fears, the fact that she never let me give up when I thought I don't deserve something… She made me what I am today, that's for sure!

I met Alice 10 years ago. She came as a volunteer at our orphanage. The first moment I saw her I admired her. She was like a ball of light! She radiated happiness everywhere around her. It was the person I've ever wanted to be, but I knew there was no chance. She still is my model in life…

Going back to that day, I know nothing happens without a reason. I was in the back yard, where in was more quiet usually, trying to read something, when Jessica and her gang, which were always poking on me, came and took my book. I tried to get it beck but they just start to pull it to pieces. Page by page my book was turning into small balls of paper. I did my best to save it, but Victoria, who was the 'muscle' of the gang, just knocked me down to the ground and start hitting me. They seemed to have a good time when somebody got Viki off my back and started yelling at them. That didn't happen very often, mostly because Jessica was the principal's favorite. I think her blond hair and her blue eyes made the principal see her like a Barbie doll that deserved to get special treatment.

When I got my brain functions back I realize my savior was the light-ball-pixie. She smiled and helped me get back on my feet. For some reason, she never left my side again. She spent all the time she was there with me, by my side. We talked so much and it was so good to see there are other people who read and cherish books too; to see I wasn't that much of a freak. She took me wherever she had something to do in the orphanage. She made sure no one was bugging me again. For this she had asked an older boy, Sam, to take care of me. I discovered then that other people can be friendly to. Sam was the first friend I've got since my parents died, except Alice. I guess I was convinced that after their death I wasn't… I have no idea how to say it… I wasn't good enough for anyone else.

After a while, she was taking me for walks, visiting places I could only dream to see. After one month, she took me to met Renee, in less then 3 months she told me that they wanted to adopt me and before I could even realize, I had a family. From that moment, my fairytale began… I smiled widely thinking about those days and how much my life changed. Completely relaxed and very happy I glided into a deep sleep where my fairytale continued, only this time, there was a prince to.

**I want to thank you all for all your reviews and for reading this. I hope you'll still do it from now on. :) **

**I wan to thank to **_lynne0731 , __wackynicolecsu__ , __Princessinblues__ , __Lilmissholly__ , __samx5453__ , __Natalie51__ , __A is for Angel_ ** for your repeated reviews. You have no idea how much this means to me. It makes me think I don't disappoint you, or at least some of you. :)**

**I want to thank **_Edwards squeaky chew toy_** to. I want feedback, positive or negative, though I'd prefer to know what you don't like, why you didn't like it. It helps me realize where I need to work more and I really need this. I know many of you have way more experience in writing then I do, especially in English, so I want to hear your advices, critiques, opinions and everything else you think about my writing. You can ask me about any stuff I may not succeed to make clear in my chapters or just any curiosity you have.**

**This experience really helped me realize some things about my writing so, thank you again for reading this, reviewing, adding it to favorites, subscribing for alerts and for sticking with me for so long. :) **

**Tell me what you think about this side of their relationship and which side you liked most (the last chapter or this one). Both sides are completing each other, so I won't give up on any of them, but I'm curious which you'd like to see more.**

**Sorry for the length of this AN, but I now you deserve it. **

**Love you all! ***hugs and kisses*****


	12. Chapter 11 Sanctuary

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**_

**Sanctuary**

**BPOV**

_Our lips were dancing together while the whole world was spinning around us. Nothing else existed beside his touch. Our lips separated leaving room for air, our foreheads were still leaning on each other, our eyes were still connected… He gently brushes my cheek:_

"_You are my whole world, Bella. I lo…"_ Suddenly he starts shaking me! What the hell?

"Honey, please wake up!" The voice sounded somehow familiar… "Honey…" Yeah, it was Renee.

The world hates me! Why couldn't she come 5 seconds later? How long does it takes to say 'love you'! "What happened?" I growl. Even just two more seconds it would be enough!

"Edward is waiting for you down stairs."

This is better be important! Just two seconds! How hard could that… wait… "What?"

"Edward is here." said Renee relaxed like she was just letting me know it's raining or something, while I was struggling to get my mind functional again. Damn! I forgot to set my alarm! Correction: the whole universe hates me!

I jumped of bed like a storm and run to the bathroom. Not before I hit my pinkie to the chair lying down the floor, of course. I don't even remember how I did it. All I know is that I skipped make-up (not that it was something new for me, whatever), I let my hair in his natural state, half dried (It was sunny anyway). I will have to thank Al for the rest of my life for my ready-to-go outfit. I think I'd have gone nuts if I'd have to make any choice right now. I take a last look in the mirror and I run downstairs. And there he was, looking better then ever, chatting with Renee. Thank god Charlie was working at this hour! The last thing my pour neurons needed was Charlie explaining 'The Rules' to Edward. I know that fathers should be protective, but there should be a rule against parents' interfering after a certain age, 14 would be great.

"Hey, sorry for keeping you waiting." I said trying to calm my nerves.

"It's ok. I should have picked another hour…"

"No! It is perfect like this just that I forgot to set my alarm." I tried to explain when I saw he's feeling guilty for waking me up, while my face was starting to get a small shade of red.

"Well, honey, I think you've just smashed down the world record for getting ready to go!" said Renee, half proud, half amused.

Right now, I hate her! Judging his face he didn't noticed till now, and I may have got rid with it! My face could stop cares now! Great, exactly what I needed. Once again, it seems that all the other dimensions hate me!

"Excuse us for a second, Edward. I need her help with some things before she leaves me." said Renee smiling. Ok, I don't hate her anymore. I'm rather grateful, actually. I smile at him and fallow her to the kitchen.

**EPOV**

When they left to the kitchen, all my emotions overwhelm me. She really broke down the world record and that made me feel great! But I shouldn't jump in to conclusions. Maybe she was just feeling bad for keeping me waiting and not being ready. She seemed to be the kind who sticks to her schedule. But then she wouldn't have a reason to blush like that…

"I'm ready now!" she said standing next to me. When did she get here?

"Let's go then!" I said fighting a huge smile.

And so, we left towards my favorite place in the whole world. I'm pretty nervous about this… I've never brought anyone there. I just hope she'll like it.

The drive was interesting. She told me about her latest 'obsession': Osho. I heard about the guy, but I have to admit I didn't get to read anything he wrote yet. I'm not that much into self-exploration books, but, like she said, he's way more then that. And from what I heard now, I'm definitely going to read it soon. Lost in discussion about human prejudices and stupidity, we haven't even realized when we got there. We got out of the car and when I told her we still have a 20 minutes hiking she looked at me with an innocent smile and said "You're lucky you're so cute because, otherwise, you'd probably be walking the way back home." I have to admit, that worried me a little, but the look in her eyes, told me she's not that disappointed. After half of the way was done, I was convince there wasn't any chance I could end up walking on the way home and that made me feel grate! She almost falls a few times, but that was a great excuse for me to not take my hands of her so, I enjoyed it as much as I could, and her hart beat told me she did the same.

Her reaction when she saw the meadow was more then I could ever imagine: from the point where I was barely dragging her with me, she run into the sunlight and looked amazed around her. I knew the feeling. I was watching something fascinated to, though it wasn't the meadow. We were both absorbed by the view for almost half hour.

"Wow! This is…" she said still looking around, incapable to decide. On the other hand seeing her here, in the place I love the most, I knew exactly what this is: "Heaven!" I said completing her sentence. Her warm eye lean on me and a bright smile covered her face while she ran into my arms. Our lips touched and somehow, we ended up on the ground.

After we got back to our senses, we got up and set 'the camp'. Beside the fact she almost killed me with a bottle and then I chased her trough all the meadow, things went peaceful. In the end, she was lying down on my chest, looking me into the eye. I could stay like this forever and ever…

"Where did you find this place?" she asks while I was running my fingers trough her hair.

"Here" I answered laughing.

"You know what I mean!" she said rolling her eyes.

"Well…" But then a storm of laughter cuts me off. "What?" I asked confused.

"Sorry, I think the lack of sleep is getting to me." she said trying to calm down. I guess I still looked a little confused because she continued: "This morning I told Alice to 'sleep well' when she left to the hospital."

"Good one!" I said laughing.

"I'm not thinking very straight lately, though I'm not sure about the cause yet." she said looking preoccupied.

"And which could be the causes?"

"Well, beside sleep depravation, you seem to be the most possible cause." she said blushing. "Let's get back to this place! How did you find it?" she added before I got the time to at least think about what I've just heard. Regardless, I took my time and enjoyed the information.

"I always loved nature, and a few years ago, I use to run away from the real world a lot. You know, hiking, camping and so on. One day I found this place and I've fallen for it definitively. It became my refuge." It was more like a sanctuary…

"Your refuge from what?" she asked careful.

And I wished so much I could just answer, just open my mouth and say the words. I sigh. "World, people judgments, life and… " I paused. I will tell her! I just have to find the right words… but then, a soft, warm hand brushed my cheek. I raised my eyes and she was smiling in understanding.

"You don't have to tell me anything."

I looked at her puzzled for a second but then I start kissing her more intense then I ever did before. I loved her for being the way she is: loving and understanding; I loved her for being with me without asking questions; I loved her for allowing me to feel loved.

We were still kissing, completely lost into each other, when her phone rings. She growls, but she answers. While on the phone, her face turned pale. When she put the phone down, she covers her face with her hands. She scares me like hell. What could have happened?

"Is there something wrong?" I asked kicking myself mentally after: of course it's something wrong, you idiot! Fortunately, she was a lady about it:

"I have to go. I'm sorry…" she said, looking lost, somewhere in the horizon.

**Thank you for reading this, for all your reviews, adds to favorites, alerts and so on. I love you, guys! Sorry for the late update but I was gone for a while. Anyway, the next one is half done, so it will be here soon. :)

* * *

**

**I have a new story: World War III**

_**Edward is the ultimate bad guy. But what happens when, in the summer camp he attends, a girl shows up who's even worse then him? Will the sparks between them burn down the camp? PS:The two of them have something in common: their biggest fear is love.**_

**You can find it on my profile if you want to take a look at it. I'd really like to hear your opinion. :) I will still focus on Worthless more. ;)

* * *

**

**PS: The previous chapter was already edited by spiralAngel when I upload it, but considering I'm such an absent-minded, I forgot to mention it. I'm such a jerk! :(( **


	13. Chapter 12 Another Sanctuary

**This one sound so good thanks to my beta, spiralANgel.

* * *

**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Another Sanctuary**

**EPOV**

_We were still kissing, completely lost in each other, when her phone rings. She growls, but she answers. While on the phone, her face turned pale. And when she put the phone down, she covers her face with her hands. She scares me like hell. What could have happened?_

"_Is there something wrong?" I asked kicking myself mentally after: of course it's something wrong, you idiot! Fortunately, she was a lady about it:_

"_I have to go. I'm sorry…" she said, looking lost, somewhere in the horizon. _

"Isn't there something I can do?" I'd do anything: run to the other end of the world, bungee-jumping off Everest, just say it and it will be done! Nothing could hurt more then seeing her like this!

"I don't think so." she whispers. She looked like a ghost, completely lost and broken. It killed me to see her this way. Before I could think about it, because the logical reaction would probably be to give her some privacy, I pulled her back in my arms. She buried her head in my chest and hugged me tight. If it is something she wants to tell me about, I'll listen, but I won't force her to tell me anything. It has to be her choice. After a few minutes while I just run my fingers through her hair and as she held me tight, she raised her head and smiled to me. It was a genuine smile. I could read gratitude in her eyes.

"Thank you!" she whispered and then kissed me. It took another… I have no idea how much, but it seemed to be an eternity, even though, way too short… until we separated.

"I'm sorry you have to leave." I whispered.

"I'm sorry to; you have no idea how much…"

"Where are you heading, maybe I can get you there."

"No, it's ok. Just drop me off at home and I can handle it from there. I may be gone for a few days." she said. The sadness was clear on her face. I couldn't be sure if it was for leaving me behind, or because of the news she just got.

"It's far away?" I asked, trying to not ask too much information. Not that I didn't want to know, I'm dying to know, but I didn't want to be too demanding. After all, it was just the second date, even if I felt like I knew her my entire life. She still may think this is not my business. Besides, is not like I was completely honest… I frowned thinking about that. I had no right to ask for anything from her! I have no right to ask for her…

"Port Angeles. My grandmother is in a home for elderly in there. She had a heart attack and she's in hospital now." she said smiling sadly, like she was trying to comfort me… Why would she do that? She's the one who needs to be comforted right now!

"I'm sorry." And then it hit me: "Port Angeles is in this direction, to get back to Seattle and get your car, we need an hour, then you'll need an hour to get back here where we are now. You'll just waste two hours. Let me drive you there."

"I couldn't ask you to do that!" she said surprised.

"I want to do it. I'm offering, you're not asking me for anything. But if you don't want me to come, it's ok." I added afraid that I'm pushing it too far.

"No, it's not that! I'd love to have you with me!" she said fast, a little indignant, like I've just said the rain falls up.

"Then it's settled!" I said determined.

A bright smile crossed her face. Still, she raised an eyebrow and asked "Are you sure about this?"

I let my gaze down a little exasperated and confused. Was she trying to get rid of me? She was happy because she saw I care, but she didn't really want me to go with her, or she was afraid I was just saying it? Women! With the corners of my eyes, I saw her smile fading. She probably gets my insecurity as a no. I think this is answering all my questions! Ok, at least some of them… "Of course I am! I'm not ready to let you go so soon!" I said smiling. My smile grew wider when I saw her smile coming back even brighter.

The ride was at least pleasant, considering the circumstances. She told me more about her family, about her grandmother… She was the only living relative she had left and now she could lose her to. Still, she wasn't hysterical, not even close. She was strong and faithful, but beyond that, she didn't want me to see her pain, she was a fighter. But I wish she wouldn't. I wish she'd let me into her soul and tell me what she feels. I wish I could take a part of her pain away, instead of just being another reason to hide it. She deserves it! She's an incredibly loving person, this I could see clearly from the way she talked about her family. I'm completely fascinated of this girl! And I doubt that is ever going to change…

At the hospital everyone seemed to know and love her. She was probably going there often. It was almost 9 o'clock when we get there. Her grandmother's doctor came and told us everything is fine now, but she's sleeping, so we'll need to wait until she wakes up to see her. After speaking with the doctor we went to get a coffee. It seemed to be a long night ahead us.

While we were heading back with our coffees her phone rang again. She answered smiling:

"Hi, Al!"

"Bella, I'm so sorry! I found out just now… why didn't you called? I'm coming to you right now!"

I couldn't halt a smile when I heard Alice's desperate voice. Not that she didn't had a reason… I know it's perfectly normal considering the circumstances and I was really happy to see how much she cares about Bella, but her voice and … I don't know, I guess I could just say she is a funny person, unwillingly of course.

"Relax Al, I'm with Edward, so everything's fine!" she said laughing.

I have no idea if she realized what she said, or if she meant it, but the idea that my presence there makes everything fine, made me shiver. I wish I could hear what she's thinking or, at least, to be able to ask her about all this! Well, at least I'm sure Alice realized because she didn't said a word for a while. Now I wish I could hear her thoughts to! This sucks! I just wish she's not using this time to choose the most painful way to kill me… not that I'd have a problem with pain, I get use to it after all this time, but I wish she wouldn't want to kill me in the first place.

"Grandma' is better and she's sleeping, they'll get her out from ER in the morning. I'm going to stay around here for a while." she said still smiling.

"Ok, I guess…" I heard Alice regaining her voice "If you need anything, or just to talk about anything, call me! Take care! Both of you! Bye!"

From the way she said 'talk' and 'anything' I could swear that if Bella isn't going to write a full report about how I ended up here with her in the next 12 hours, she is going to get into serious trouble. I was fighting back my laughter, and it was so hard! Even if I'm a guy, I had a few girls around and my brain works well enough to know how all this goes.

When she hung up, her eyes lock on my face and she frowned. It seems I wasn't such a good actor after all.

"I guess she can't wait to see you again." I said smiling, hoping she'll miss the double meaning.

"You have to admit it's a little unexpected." Damn! She didn't.

"I didn't say…"

"I know. Still, I'm going to let her boil for a while…"

"That reminds me, how went the Inquisition?" I asked rising an eyebrow. I was dying to know all day, in theory, because as soon as I laid my eyes on her I completely forgot about everything else…

She started laughing.

"Was it that bad?" I asked a little worried.

"More like funny, actually. My room was the only one traumatized during the process."

"So the fact there is only one thing is traumatized, it's a happy ending? Is it always that aggressive?" Or just when it comes to HIV positive guys?

"More or less. Once we had to repaint the kitchen." she said like it was the most natural thing in the universe. My jaw dropped. I wander what traumatized means in this case… Will they have to rebuild it?

"Can I ask what happened?" I'm not sure if I want to know, but I have to know! What could be worse then her dating her sister HIV positive patient? I thought doing my best to remain composed.

"That one was bloody! We were actually fighting that time, which doesn't happen too often… I was dating a guy and Alice thought he was an idiot. She was explaining her point of view and I was defending him. Meanwhile, we were making Charlie a birthday cake, which we had to order in the end, because the first two attempts ended up around the walls and on our clothes. " she explained laughing.

I had to laugh to, even though, I felt rather depressed. It was a funny story, but it was a story about to repeat. So this is what happened this morning: Alice tried to get her into senses, but she just didn't listen… I don't know what's my problem? What was I expecting for? I wanted Alice to be delighted of the idea? I wanted her to explain Bella what an amazing guy I am and how she should never let me go?

I leaned my back against a window. In the incredibly dark night the only thing left alive seem to be the pouring rain. I loved the way the drops were gliding along the glass, fast and fearless, like they had nothing to loose. Until not long ago, I didn't have anything to lose either… But not now!

"Are you ok?" she whispered in my ear, putting her hands around my neck.

"Yeah, I was just thinking… sorry." I have to step out of this state! In the moment my eyes caught her's smiling wasn't a problem anymore.

"Anyway, I've find out that Alice was playing matchmaker on Jasper's birthday."

"Really? For whom?" Almost everyone there was a couple: Emmet and Rose, Angela and Eric…

"It seems she had a hunch we'll be getting along well." she said blushing.

There's no way I just heard what I think I did! Alice… "What?" I asked shocked.

"Aaa…" she was blushing even harder and she was looking like she was going to cry or something. Was my reaction that bad?

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to react like this. I'm just surprise. Surprise is an understatement actually. "

"Why?" she frowned.

"Because I'm used with people running away from me, not playing matchmaker." I said smiling sadly.

Her face relaxed into a bright smile: "Well, I guess you'll have to get used to it!"

Did I mention how much I love this girl? I squeezed her tightly, burying my head in her hair.

"Let's see how your grandmas' doing." she giggles, then took my hand and dragged me to the other side of the hallway where her grandmother's doctor had just showed up.

There were no changes in her grandmother's condition. After talking with the doctor we sat down in the hallway. Sleep was starting to get to us and she was bugging me to go on a hotel and let her stay here alone. Like that is ever going to happen! As long as she needed me I wouldn't miss any amount of time to spend with her for anything!

"I'm sorry for dragging you into this and ruining everything." she said looking exhausted.

"You have nothing to apologize for. There's no way you could ruin anything." I could call it an improvement actually: this way I get to spend more time with her; but that would sound awful, like I've just said I would throw a party for her grandmother heart-attack. "Plus, I don't mind being dragged anywhere as long as you're involved."

She raised her head smiling and said "Thank you for everything." Her eyes were burning with a feeling I wasn't sure how to call. I could recognize it though, it was the same way I felt so many times around her: when she agree to go out with me, when I saw her smile after our first official kiss, when she thanked me for taking a chance with her… About the last one, I still thank God every day I did it… I was so close of running away… Her lips wake me up from my internal rambling. I love this girl!

Even though it wasn't easy, we kept it light… We were still in a hospital and even though it was almost midnight, there were still people around. When our lips separated we sat like this, just looking into each other eyes. At this point, we don't need words anymore. She laid down back on my chest and falls asleep.

A blond nurse, about 40, saw us and comes toward us, smiling.

"There's an empty room right around the corner. You could stay there till morning. Bella looks pretty tired and I bet you could use some sleep to." she said in a warm voice. "I'll let you know if Mrs. Swan wakes up."

I get up, with Bella in my arms and follow the nurse. After she shows me the empty patient's room she said: "You know, she hasn't brought anyone here besides Jake, you must be really special to her." Then she turned around and left, leaving me speechless. But the wonder lying down in my arms had a sigh and everything else disappeared into background.

I laid her down to the bed, but she didn't let go of my hand. When I tried to release it gently she whispered "Please don't leave me." My heart stopped and I couldn't move. I just laid down beside her. She curled up into my chest, holding me tight. I smiled and put my arms around her.

Laying there a thousand questions came to life in my mind: Who's Jake? Where is he? What happened? But most importantly: Did she love him? The nurse said he was really special, well, at least that's what it was supposed to mean, right? We love the people that are special to us. She must have loved him. Does she still love him? But the lady said I was special to! I was special because she brought me here… but I offered, it wasn't her decision really. It was handier like this: it was faster; I happened to be there, so she wasn't going to be alone; it is a hard moment for her and she needed someone by her side… Yes, things matched, but I guess I'll never know if she'd brought me here if it wasn't for those things. I'll never know if I'm 'really special'.

But while I was torturing myself mentally, she smiled and whispered up to me "I love you, Edward!" I was puzzled. My heart stopped again. It was like she just heard my internal argument and she was trying to make me calm down. I looked at her face but I couldn't see any sign she was awake.

"I love you to, Bella, more then you'll ever know." I said aware that she's still sleeping. It was true, and I'd tell her every single second if I knew she wants to hear it. I smiled. Screw Jake, she's mine now.

**I hope you like it. Review and let me know what you think. XD**

**Have a great weekend, everyone! xxx**


	14. Chapter 13 Insecurities

_**It was about time, right? I'm so sorry it took me so long to write this, but I just couldn't… It wasn't my intention to abandon the story or to keep you waiting, but there are a lot of things going on in my life right now, and I just couldn't focus on writing. :( Hope I'll be forgiven. :)**_

_**Thank you all so much for reviews and support. You are all amazing! Sorry for typos or other mistakes you'll find but I just finish it and it is 3:48 AM here. :) But please tell me about anything you find and I'll correct it as soon as I can. **_

_**And that reminds me: special thanks to **_Cherokee girl _**for support and honesty. :) I mean it!**__**English is not my first language and I know I'm not very good with it. My beta is not available for the moment (Plus I didn't replace yet the stuff she edited for me; this explains all the nonsense from this story till here) so any help in learning and any suggestions are welcomed. I'd really appreciate if you'd send me a list with the exact mistakes and the correct version.**_

_**Ok, now I'll let you read!

* * *

**_

_**Special thanks to **_FutureMrsRPattz _**for editing this. I've learned a lot from you, and it was just one chapter! :D I can't wait for the next session. :) **_

_**

* * *

**_

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

**Insecurities**

**BPOV **

What is an angel? An entity that helps you go through some really hard times, that helps you succeed where you know you wouldn't stand a chance on your own, ones that do miracles. Can they be humans? Definitely, I am sleeping in the arms of one, aren't I?

I can feel the corners of my mouth running away from each other, so far that I'm starting to wonder if my lips will break apart. Regardless, I love the feeling; and I'm shocked by it in the same time. I can't believe I feel so happy and relaxed after everything that happened yesterday.

See, that's why I call Edward an angel; the way I feel is a miracle. Let me explain it to you, my parents' death left me some psychical trauma; I was, and I still am terrified of loosing people. Of course, everyone dies one day and that is not something out of the ordinary.

I mean, people are not thinking about death all the time; they just live their lives like everything would be okay, like they're perfectly safe. But I couldn't do that anymore. One minute you're sure everything is just fine, and the next, you find out your whole world is gone and you start to get a little paranoid about it, and why not? You have the perfect example that it can happen, it did happen before. And when you start thinking along those lines, you start to live your life in constant fear.

My luck, as if I can call it as that, was that there aren't too many people to worry about. The only one left was my grandma. Still, it was so hard to leave her behind every time I had to go back to Seattle. I wanted to stay in an orphanage here, in Port Angeles, but a fire burned down the only one this city had. Besides, they considered that keeping me in my old school around people I was familiar with would be easier for me, that way; I would never have to ask my grandma to move for me. It wouldn't be fair; she had the opportunity to stay back with the people she was close to, but in Seattle she'd be alone. I know she loves me, and she would have done anything for me, but I couldn't have asked her for that. I just couldn't. So, I stayed in Seattle and I came here once or twice a month, as often as I could.

Twelve years flew by quickly, and my fears have slowly but surely faded to the minimum. I still have those days even nights where I cry, thinking that one day she will be gone too. And there's nothing I can do about it, everyone dies some day.

Yesterday, when Ms. Marry called me and told me she had a hart attack, I froze. The first thing that came to mind was the fact that I was supposed to go and see her this weekend, but I had cancelled. Come to think of it, it was the Cullen's party that weekend, but that wasn't the reason. I guess I could say I had a feeling I should have been home, and it didn't seemed in vane then: it was the night that Edward asked me out. But when I heard about my grandma, all I could think of was if I'll ever get to see her alive again? Death doesn't give second chances; I knew that from experience.

But then he hugged me end every worry seemed to fade away. And since then, every moment was bright and beautiful, but most of all fearless. It's like I've been desensitized, like I'm immune to pain or worries. And this is my miracle, if it wasn't for him and his effect I swear that the pain and fear would have drove me to insanity. But he was here, and I doubt there's any way I could repay him for this; I doubt he has any idea of how much all this meant to me, but I'll do my best to let him know; He totally deserves it.

My phone starts to vibrate in my pocket; I get it out as fast as I can. Smiled breaks out when I seethe caller ID. Alice. Well, I guess she deserves a prize just for waiting for so long.

Yeah, I'll go outside and call her… now. Ugh! Why am I so lazy?

Who am I kidding; I just don't want to leave his arms, I'm so pathetic.

I sigh and try to get up, but when he felt me move, he pulled me closer. Maybe I am doomed to a lifetime in his arms. I smiled analyzing the possibility; when my phone starts to vibrate again I know there was no way out. So I get up and went straight to the restroom. The last thing I need right now was for him to wake up and hear any of my stupid-obsessed-teenage reactions. Alice always gets the best of me when it comes to this.

And right then it hit me; I wasn't the only one who had something to share, last night was her official dinner with Jasper. Wow, how could I forget about that? Hmm, so this is the reason why she was able not to call until now, she was busy.

"Spit it out, sis'!" I said before she gets the chance to say anything.

"Okay…" she said, pausing for a second.

"Today, please." I added anxiously.

"You know you're worse then me!" she said laughing.

"You're saying that just because you never saw yourself, trust me! From an objective point of view, that statement goes straight into science-fiction genre."

"Oh, and that's exclusively your field, right?"

"Are you trying to avoid the answer on purpose?"

"Yes, I'm so glad grandma' is better! Tell me more!"

"Oh, no! You're not getting away with this, Why on earth did you get me out of…" I couldn't just say 'Edward's arms', right? "...bed... if you can't talk?" I continued frustrated.

"Sure, I'm going to check it right now!"

"And I'm suppose to understand something from all this?" I almost shouted, starting to lose my patience. Hearing the door close broke the deadly silence.

"Sorry, but he woke up and I couldn't just leave him alone like that, though this is pretty much what I did now…" she sounded so confused and frustrated that I instantly felt sorry for her "It's okay. How was the dinner?"

"Great! Jazz and dad got along just perfect, can you imagine that?"

"Not really…"

"I know, this goes to science fiction to, right?"

"Exactly!"

"Well, miracles sometimes happen!"

"You can say that again. I've just woke up in the arms of an angel!"

"Really? Details, please!"

And so the crazy conversation began…

_Damn!_ I thought staring at the empty bed before my eyes. Where could he be? What if he's mad at me? He could, I mean, I did leave him alone in a hospital room for an hour and a half; but, come on, it's Alice who're talking about. But he couldn't know that, mostly because I didn't have the decency to tell him I was leaving.

Maybe he left; I could feel the tears in the corners of my eyes. And why wouldn't he? He doesn't have to babysit a crazy, hysterical, obsessed, plain, masochistic, pathetic…

"Hey!"

I froze at the sound of his voice and just to make things even easier for me; his arms were now around my waist, turning me gently towards him.

"I've missed you." he whispered into my ear, burying his face into my neck. Right then I was officially lost so I just kissed him. He didn't complain or fight back, in a second it was all gone: the hospital, the reason why I was here, the people passing outside the open door; all that mattered was that he was still here with me. I have no idea how our kiss would have evolved if we wouldn't have been interrupted by a woman clearing her throat. My first reaction was to deepen things; it really wasn't her problem if we got a little… carried away. Luckily, he wasn't ruled by his hormones that much.

After I made myself a mental note to give my wild-side a few days off, at least for as long as we'll be here, I start apologizing to my grandmother's doctor who actually came to tell me that my grandma' is awake and I can see her whenever I wanted.

I hugged the doctor and then I jumped back in Edwards arms. I was incredibly happy. Everything seemed to work out perfectly; it was like my angel was taking care of everything. So, without thinking about it, I said "Thank you so much!"

He looked at me like I just fallen off a tree in the middle of the desert. Ok, so maybe I shouldn't get him into my theory about him being my guardian angel, let's not make him run away screaming from the third day. So, I just kissed him, hopping that this will make him forget about it.

"For what?"

Damn, why didn't this work? Maybe I don't have such a strong influence on him, I mean, I usually forget about everything when…

"Something wrong?"

_Yeah, Am I such a bad kisser? Why are you still capable of asking me questions?_ Yeah, lthat would be in the 'things to make him wish he'd move out to another planet'-list.

"No, I'm just a little confused."

"About?"

Seriously, is he doing this on purpose?

"I…" trailing off, incapable of making a coherent sentence from all the feelings running around inside me.

"Its okay." he said pulling me back into his arms, but that would be considered an understatement of the year. It wasn't just okay, it was amazing!

**EPOV**

We just sat there, a little too wrapped around each other considering the circumstances, but I couldn't care less about circumstances. It felt so good to have her back after I spent the last hour fighting back the stupid scenarios about her leaving me and never wanting to see me again. She could have heard me last night and freak out seeing how emotionally involved I am. She may found the medications in my pocket and figured out everything, or maybe Jake came to visit and they ran away together. Honestly, I've never hated my imagination so much. For god's sake, we were here for her grandmother! Why couldn't she just go see her? Why do I always have to think about the worst? Paranoia!

I was still a little confused about her reaction earlier. I couldn't think about a reason why she'd thank to me; at least not for her grandmother recovery. If I think about it better, maybe she was thanking some divine force and I took it the wrong way. That would explain why she tried to avoid explanations. She just didn't want me to feel bad for misinterpreting what she said. God, I'm so pathetic!

"Let's go! I can't wait to see her!" she said hyper-excited. Seeing her so happy was making me feel… somehow strong. It was like it had something to do with me, like I was doing something good after all. I nod my head and followed her to her grandmother's room.

"Hi, grandma'!" she says almost running to hug her.

"Oh, my darling. I'm so sorry…"

"You don't have anything to be sorry about!" said Bella, stopping her from apologizing. I smiled, starting to see the resemblance between the two of them. It was funny to see Bella fighting the same apology fixations she had.

"How are you, Jake?"

Hearing that name almost gave me a heart-attack. Where was he? I start looking around half dead-curious and half terrified until I've heard Bella's voice:

"He's not Jake, grandma. He is Edward."

Wait, what? Was she talking with me? I looked at Bella confused but all I could read on her face was an apology for her grandmother's confusion.

"Oh." she said looking disappointed. That hurt a little more then I expected to. "Where is Jake?" she asked Bella. Is she trying to make me jump out of the window?

I could see all this was at least comfortable for Bella too.

"I don't know. I'm not with Jake anymore, we broke up."

The old lady's eyes widened when she heard about the break up, like it would be some kind of natural disaster, which made me feel even worse.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she demanded.

"I told you!" said Bella smiling, like forgetting every thing she was telling her was something she was used to. Maybe she was; she doesn't look that old, so maybe there are other reasons why she needs special care.

"Too bad, he was a great boy!"

I wanted to scream so badly right now.

"Yeah, he was." Bella said this looking unfocused out on the window. I could feel so clearly the pain and the regret in her voice.

I wasn't ready to hear her agreeing with the Wicked Witch of the West! I wasn't ready to see her missing him. Maybe she still loves him. Here, I honestly thought that there was no way things could get any worse and the pain couldn't get any stronger, and her grandmother hits me with this.

"He was perfect for you!"

With all my being shredded into pieces, I looked at Bella who was still looking unfocused out the window. After a second of painful silence, she raised an eyebrow and an ironic smile grazes her face. She still looked hurt, but this time there was something more, something I couldn't understand, something I'd do anything to figure it out.

They talked for more then two hours after that. We talked, actually, because Bella made sure to include me in their conversation right away. I had a strange impression she was trying to show her grandmother that I'm not such a bad choice either. Flattering, right? Well, it made me feel better and I tried my best to impress the old lady. I don't want to be disrespectful, but she really traumatized me today. I didn't even hear most of the conversation because I was always sliding back into analyzing that damn asshole! I was so relieved when we left for lunch. With some luck, I'll find out more about my new nightmare.

We went to the closest hotel and got a room. Normally, the idea of sleeping in the same room with a girl should make me worry. If we take into consideration the fact that it was Bella we were talking about, and that we'll most likely sleep in the same bed again, I should completely freak out. Why? Because there was no way I could ever do this to her. I'd never risk her life for my pleasure. Even though she's completely driving me insane, I can't give in. And this is not going to be easy. But no, I was just smiling like an idiot.

And just like that, I found myself still smiling while the waitress was taking Bella's order.

"What would you like?" _What?_ The waitress was looking at me like I was her favorite puppy or something. It was freaky, why is she smiling now?

"Same for me." I said quickly, incapable to think about anything right now.

The waitress left looking offended. What was her problem? And just to help me with my confusion Bella was laughing now.

"What?" I asked still incapable to restrain my smile.

Instead of an answer, she kissed me. "You're adorable!" she said with the most intense look I've ever seen.

Was it me, or everyone was seeing me as a pet today? And why on earth is this making me so happy?

We just sat there, lost in each other eyes for a while. In the end, she was the one to break the silence.

"I'm sorry about earlier, My grandmother has Alzheimer's. She always asks about Jake even though I told her that we broke up on various occasions. " she said trying to apologize.

"Don't worry about it, its okay." I said smiling while I took her hand in mine.

"For how long?" I asked more curious then I wanted to admit. I was dying to know when they broke up, how they broke up, how long they were dating… pretty much everything

"Since I was eight."

My eyes widened. That was earlier than I expected.

"It was three months before my parents died. When they heard the diagnostic…"

When I realized that she was talking about when they diagnosed her grandmother with Alzheimer's, I was able to breathe again. Fortunately, we weren't talking about the same thing and as a bonus, she didn't notice my shock. Hopefully she just misinterpreted my question and wasn't avoiding my actual question.

"…they decided she'd stay home with us, even though she kept rambling about how she'd be nothing but a burden."

_Sounds familiar. _I thought smiling. I'm starting to like her grandmother now.

"When my parents died, she felt awfully guilty for not being able to take care of me. She said that I shouldn't be in an orphanage, but that didn't have anything to do with her. She always takes the blame for the most absurd things."

I couldn't halt a smile when I heard this part. Her indignant expression was genuine and priceless. She didn't have any idea that she's doing exactly the same thing.

"She is an amazing woman. I wish you could have met her sooner, when she was still herself." she continued.

"I still can see she is a great person. You don't even realize how big the resemblance between you two is." I had to add the last part, though she frowned and started to protest when she heard it.

She told me a little more about her childhood before the waitress brought our orders. We ate in a comfortable silence until the questions invaded me again.

"Something wrong?" she asked looking worried. I didn't know I was so bad at hiding emotions…

"No." She didn't look too convinced. "I'm just a little curious."

"About?"

"Jake."

"Ah…" she frowns. "Jake and I dated for four years. We broke up almost two year's ago." she said avoiding my eye.

"Why did you two break up?" I didn't want to push it too far, but I was too curious.

"I rather not talk about him…" she said after a few moments of silence. The look of pain was back on her face. Did he hurt her that bad? Was she still in love with him? This perspective hurt like hell, but I had no idea what else could make her incapable to talk about him. Maybe she doesn't want to talk about him with me…

"Do you still love him?" The question left my lips before I could try to stop it. Damn! She said she doesn't want to talk about him. Idiot! She frowns again and then she starts to talk really fast.

"No. No! It's not like that! I mean, it meant a lot to me and we have been through a lot together but what I felt for him could never compare to…" she trailed off blushing. "I mean… It's not like… I'm over him. I definitely am!"

She sounded so determinate, I'd probably laugh if I wouldn't be hyperventilating. She was over him! She was available! I actually had a chance! I leaned against her and I kissed her with all the force and passion I was capable of. The restaurant and all the other people in it were gone. Nothing mattered but us. Before I could realize what was happening, we were in our hotel room, me laying on top of her, gasping for air. I'm so fucked!

* * *

**Ok, so this was it. I can't wait to hear your opinion. Good or bad. :) If you have any questions, I'll answer gladly. Feel free to make any suggestions about the story. I'll answer to all your reviews as soon as I can and I was thinking to add some short spoilers in those answers. What do you think about it? **

**God! I'm talking/writing so much today! The truth is I really missed you guys. ***tones of hugs *** **

**A great weekend to everyone! Love you all! **

**xxx**


	15. Chapter 14 Couple Therapy

**_Hi, I'm finally back. I'm a jerk and I'm really sorry, but the good news is that I have a pretty strong feeling that I'll be able to update on regular bases from now on. The moment of truth is coming closer and I'm very excited about it. She'll probably find out in 2 or 3 chapters, but no, this is not over! We're just about half. :D _**

**_Thank you so much for reading this, for all your reviews and all your support. You're amazing!_**

**_I hope you'll like this chapter. :) It has a big APOV, just in case you missed her…_**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

**Couple Therapy**

**EPOV**

_She sounded so determinate; I'd probably laugh if I wouldn't be hyperventilating. She was over him! She was available! I actually had a chance! I leaned against her and I kissed her with all the force and passion I was capable of. The restaurant and all the other people in it were gone. Nothing mattered but us. Before I could realize what was happening, we were in our hotel room, me laying on top of her, both gasping for air. I'm so fucked!_

…

In the moment when I realize what I was doing I tried to calm myself, to put some distance between us… But that was so fucking hard! My ability to stay focused was now in its worst state ever. Well, that in case you could ever call the 'I-haven't-got-laid-in-three-years' state, a good state to begin with. I was now with my face buried in her neck. It seemed this was the only way I could keep my lips away from hers. When I thought I'm finally safe, I realized what an effect has her skin's proximity on me. Her skin was like a magnet for my lips, so before I could control it, I was kissing her neck softly. Considering her moans, she didn't have anything against it. I'm such an idiot! After a few trails along her neck I understood there was no way I could control myself while I was so close to her. And I hated life for this! It wasn't fair! But I hated myself way more! All I was doing was stupid! Why? Because, somehow, I didn't wanted to stop and I enjoyed the 'three-years' excuse! And I wasn't just stupid, I was fucking selfish! I should just tell her and give her the opportunity to get out of all this mess before it was too late… But then she'll leave… So what? She'll leave anyway sooner or later!

I raise my head and tried to move away. But in the moment I rolled over, she got on top of me. Do I still have to mention that that wasn't helping me at all? I thought so. Her kisses and the way she was touching me made me lose any shade of rationality way sooner then I'd liked to admit.

Suddenly, her phone rings. After a few attempts to ignore the damn thing, we gave up. With a groan, she gets up and gets her phone out of her bag, looking at the pour thing like it had just killed her cat… or something.

For a moment, my reaction was exactly the same, but after a few seconds away from her touches I start to sober up. What the fuck was I doing? I mean, I never claimed to be sane, but this was so, so wrong! How on earth was I planning to stop all this? When that phone rang all I wanted was to break it into pieces. There was no way on earth I could ever stop myself on my own… This is way too much for me!

I was starting to panic when I heard her voice.

"We have to go back to the hospital. Alice and my parents are coming over. I tried to explain them I'm fine, but they don't seem to get it!" she said looking almost angry.

Of course! From the moment Alice heard... she couldn't let her baby-sister alone with 'the monster'. She is rational, after all…

The realization was killing me, though I knew I should have expected it. Matchmaker! I'm sure she just misinterprets things. Love is blind, so she sees only what she wants. Alice knows this and wants to make sure she's not doing anything she would regret later.

Another thing that hurt was the realization that Alice doesn't trust me. I mean, she was my doctor for so long… I guess a part of me thought she knows me, at least a little. Like I could say she should trust me! I can't trust myself, why on earth would she? But, as usual, I was hopping too high. She just convinced them to come here as soon as possible to keep Bella safe. And I shouldn't be surprise! Maybe it is because I didn't expect for her to think so less about me… but it hurts like hell!

While I was having those revelations she was looking at me worried. She dropped her phone back into her bag, sat down in front of me and took my face in her hands.

"What's wrong?" she asked in a worm, caring voice. There was so much kindness in her eyes that it almost made me want to cry. I couldn't speak so I just let my head in her hand allowing myself to drown in her touch for what may be the last time. For me, her touch was heaven… was home… and now, more then ever, it was unreachable... Utopian. Sitting there I felt like a fraud. I didn't deserved her touch, her kindness, her! I knew I should just go... I knew I don't belong in her world, but somehow, I couldn't make my body move even an inch away from her. As much as I knew this will end badly, I can't do anything to save myself, or her. I'm too fucking weak...

**(Alice) APOV**

I was just ending a consultation when my phone rang. It was mom. She told me they are leaving to Port Angeles to see Bella's grandmother. I froze. They weren't supposed to do that! They'll just ruin my kids' vacation. This was supposed to be their time away from everything, and mom and dad weren't supposed to be in this picture! I did my best to convince them to cancel it, but Renee is Renee… So, I did the last thing I could do to kip things safe: I canceled all my appointments for today and I joined them.

When we arrived at the Port Angeles' hospital we found them in grandma's room, talking. Miss Ann is feeling way better. Her doctor said she may be out in a few days. Which means they'll be able to come back home soon though, I doubt Bella will leave her so easy. Sometimes I wonder if she's aware she's a person too! I thought rolling my eyes. Maybe Edward will show her she actually exists… Maybe they'll show each other!

They look so sweet together! Edward was by her side, holding her hand. I could see how uncomfortable he felt around me. This is why I tried to stop mom and dad! Esme and Renee are good friends and he knows that at least mom knows about his condition so, he probably thinks they came to get her away from him. But he couldn't be more wrong. Renee and Miss. Ann are very close, at least as close as you could get to a person with Alzheimer's disease.

We left the adults alone, and went outside. Edward got a phone-call and Bella used this to drag me with her to the closest restroom where she explained to me how I ruined their… day.

When we got back I was frowning thinking about what he must be facing right now. I didn't even notice him standing on the hallway, leaning into a wall, right in front of the room. Bella got inside, leaving us alone. I was still lost in thoughts, when a cavern voice spoke:

"I'm so sorry…"

I raised my eyes and what I saw made me shiver. He looked like a ghost… no, actually, I think ghost are looking great compare to his state! Before I could answer he continues:

"I'm sorry, I know I should never let things go so far... I know I don't deserve her and you can't imagine how grateful I am for calling and stopping... I mean, I know I should just go now; I should have left a long time ago... But I just can't. I tried to stay away from her but I can't…"

Oh no, things are way worse then I expected!

"You don't have to go and you're not making a mistake. I never seen her so happy and this is all that matters to me. Nothing more. I trust you."

He stared at me in shock.

"But you shouldn't trust me! If it wouldn't be for your call, I don't know if I'd have stopped! You can't trust me! I'll just ruin her life!" It was so much panic in his voice that it freaked me out. "I should go now and leave her alone..."

"Don't you dare to do this to her! Especially right now! She needs you more then ever. You're not going anywhere!" I almost yelled panicked. Maybe it sounded harsher then I intended but…

"Al, what is this? What do you mean he can't leave? He's free to leave if he wants to! Whenever he wants to!"

Damn! She heard me!

I didn't saw her coming. I wonder how much she heard of all this... Great job, Alice, you manage to turn a hysterically-happy-butterfly into… this… She looked almost as bad as he did, and that says a lot! Considering this, she heard just the last part and honestly, I'm not sure this is a good thing. Edward was now looking like someone just thrown him into a frozen river.

After a few seconds of painful silence, he spoke on a lifeless tone:

"It's okay, I'll just leave now." Then, he just turns around and starts walking towards the door.

She was at the edge of bursting into tears and I freaked out.

"NO!" I yelled, a little too loud for a hospital. Everyone around there was now staring at us, but I couldn't care less. But when I saw dad getting up and coming towards us, I knew I have to do something fast, so I told them not to move, then I got into grandma's room, almost hitting dad with the door, and announce we're going to get some coffee. They all looked at me suspicious but I put on my best 'I'm-the-happiest-girl-in-the-world' smile and got out before they could ask for details.

One issue down, now it's time for the real one.

"Please come with me." I said and I took the lead, checking on regular bases to see if they're still fallowing. I needed a place where I could temper any reactions that may appear, from all of us… The cafeteria was perfect.

They followed me in a perfect silence, taking squints at each other. (I'm not sure if this sounds okay, I found it in a dictionary)

Finally, the moment arrived. We were set at our table, with coffees in front of us. And I had to start talking… and fast! God, what did I do wrong? What have I ever done to You?

"I'm sorry for messing things up." I said as honest as I could. This sounds good. This way each one will understand what he wants. "You have no idea how much. Now, before you came, Edward was saying he should leave because you must want to stay with us from now on and you don't need him anymore." I added watching closely his reaction. Why only his? I know her way too good to know she'll almost get into shock and then she'll spend the next 10 minutes wondering how he could even think about something like that… Yeah, I know my girl.

While her wide eyes were confirming my theory, his wide eyes were shouting tones of questions. Just now I realize something I should have seen before, but I was too caught up trying to put up a good speech: from the moment I called them he was convinced I was going to reveal his secret. God, I'm such a disaster! I'll never pick on Bella for being absent again! At least for a while…

I decided to take advantage of her brain-dead state and have a silent conversation with Edward, so I smiled kindly. He raised his shoulders asking why and I whispered still smiling "Because you deserve it." Now it was his turn to look bewildered. But he looked happy, and that made me feel like a freaking fairy godmother! So I just stood there watching both of them and smiling like an idiot. I bet we all looked high for everyone around us.

I guess the 10 minutes passed because I heard Bella's voice: "Really?"

In the first moment we were both looking at her completely lost. Personally, I was trying to remember what she was talking about.

Fortunately, Edward was quicker and he confirmed smiling. A bright smile appeared on her face.

Back on my freaking fairy-godmother state, I went on:

"I'm sorry if my tone was inappropriate, but I just couldn't stay there and watch how you two go away from each other when I know that is the last thing you'd want to do. There's no way she'd prefer our company instead of yours."

"She's right." Bella said frowning. "She's basically shredding any piece of pride I have left when it comes to this, but she's right. I need you here more then I need any of them. And much more then I need my pride" she smirks.

Edward seemed to come back to life now, though, I bet he was still in shock, or at least some parts of him were.

"Are you sure? Because I don't blame you if you need some time for yourself. You are the most amazingly kind person I ever met, and that won't change if you'll just be honest with me and tell me when you need space. I don't want you to have to give up on anything because of me." he said and I had to do major efforts not to roll my eyes. Still, apparently, she loved it… and on a second thought, who wouldn't?

"I won't, I promise. You have no idea how easy to be myself around you. And if that makes you feel better, I'll let you know when I'll need space. But you have to do the same and let me know when you want to leave, okay?"

"Deal."

Standing there and watching the two lovebirds smiling like they ware completely wasted, there was just one thing I could think of: _I'm so fucking good at this!_

**_This was it. I hope you enjoy it. I wasn't too crazy about this chapter and I didn't want to upload it in the first place. So, please give me some feedback… just to know if I should listen more to my first instincts. :)_**

**_Review if you liked it or if you don't. XD _**

**_Love you all!_**


	16. Chapter 15 Loosing Control

_**I'm back, finally! It took me way more then I anticipated, but I hope you'll like it. :)**_

_**I decided 7 months was too long (with some help, thanks Eve! :) ), so I cut it to one month. From now on things will go faster around here. **_

_**Again, no beta, just me, my craziness and my annoyingly pour vocabulary when it comes to lemons… But I tried! **_

_**Have fun! ;)  
**_

**Loosing Control**

_**- one month later –**_

**EPOV**

"You know, you're a disaster!" said Bella laughing as she got in my car.

"Who's talking!" I protested barely halting my laughter.

"Oh, no! I'm not going to open this topic with you! I still want to get there before sunset."

"Why? You said you don't have anything against spending the night outdoors?" I said taking her hand into mine.

"I don't! Not if you're around and we're already there… but if you imagine that I'm going to do half hour of hiking guided by the full moon, you're crazier then I am! Which, by the way, says A LOT!"

I rolled my eyes and start the engine. "And I'm supposed to be the disaster… " I muttered trying to look offended.

"Hey, this has nothing to do with my hiking skills. At least I didn't destroy my brother's work…"

"But that may just be because you don't have a brother…"

"Cause if I'd had one, I'd definitely do it, right?"

"I was just saying…" I said trying to look innocent, hoping this will get off the scary look on her face. I may be terrified if I wouldn't know her so well… Which took me back to another person I knew really well, and who will definitely try to kill me soon… "He's going to kill me." I added, and that was a statement!

"Look at the bright side: he won't drive two hours and hike for another one, just to kill you…" and her bright smile almost made me forget about Emmett and his present. "…and if you want to make your life longer, we can stay there forever."

"Deal!" She has no idea how serious my answer was and it didn't have anything to do with Emmett. The meadow was the place I felt home and normal. A place where all the worries disappeared… My own personal wonderland!

I was really sorry for Emmett's present, he worked so hard for it and now he'll have to start it all over again. Still, it wasn't entirely my fault. Where would I suppose to know he'll hide it in my room?

Bella, Alice and Rose were shopping for Rose's birthday and I was just finishing one of my projects, when Emmett came to me panicked, rambling something about a hiding place, because his place 'is not safe anymore'. At first I thought he fall asleep watching some spy movie, but then he told me about 'the present' he made for Rose's birthday. It was a collage made of most of their pictures together. I have to admit it was very difficult not to laugh. I mean, for god's sake, this was my crazy brother spending all his time and energy cutting and gluing pictures! That was …sweet. Though the funny part began later when Bella and I were looking for a book in the library and we saw the 'little' present. The thing was taller then Emmett and Bella said he could easily wrap himself in it. Since then we became incapable to say any of the words: paper, wrap, brother or picture without bursting into laughter, which made everyone look curious, and Emmett like a serial killer. That happened five days ago.

Today, when we arrived at my place we met a very exited Emmett. He just finished the wrapping monster. The euphoria faded when mom told us Rose and Alice are coming over. Suddenly, this place wasn't safe anymore either and my brother disappeared. I had no idea where, till I entered my room and fall over a mountain of paper. When I turn the lights on I saw 'the monster' lying, in a pretty bad state, on my floor. I was grateful to my sister-in-law because she didn't gave me the chance to confess my sins as she dragged Emmett back home very soon.

After they left, Bella and I tried to resurrect the pour thing, but it was in vane. After an hour of playing with paper and pictures we decided there are still five days till the event, so, I'll tell Emmett on another occasion, plus, I'm going to help him, we both are. But since we can't help him while Rose is around, we'll go on with our plans for today.

Our plans… I loved the sound of it. There's one month since we are dating and I still feel like I'm living in a dream. Sometimes, I wake up at night terrified that I might just woke up from it, and I grab my phone looking for proves she's real. Luckily, till now, I didn't wake up.

Since Seattle, we were seeing each other almost daily and we were doing almost everything together. I actually had a life now! How strange is that? We were still visiting our park bench, the one where everything began, and we discover that every the sunrise was special from there. That's where I first told her I love her… with her actually being able to hear it, I mean. At first, after I said it, I froze. I was terrified she'll run away screaming straight to the court and ask for a restraining order. But she didn't. After a few seconds, which seemed to be freaking years to me, she turn around and kissed me like she never done it before. Finally, she said she loved me too, though after that kiss, words seemed so fade…

To be able to spend as much time together as we could, we start working together. I had developed really good skills on using my laptop and designing software with only one hand since the other one was around her waist, holding her closer to my chest, while she was reading or writing. She even let me read what she wrote, which was major, since she usually doesn't let anyone get anywhere near her drafts. But there's a price to pay for this… she worn me my life will definitely be in danger in case Alice will find out I got to read it first. That sucked because I hate knowing I'm hiding anything from Alice, even if it was something that innocent. In the last weeks we got to be pretty close, though our discussions about my relationship with Bella were just small talk. I'm not sure if she is avoiding the real side of the topic, but I'm sure I am. I know I should have told her already, but as closer I get to her, I became more terrified of her possible reactions.

"Last night, after you left, I finally finished that chapter." she said bringing me back to present.

"Really? And how things turn out?"

I was really curious. She was stuck on this chapter for almost two weeks, incapable to decide how to get the characters out of the situation.

"I killed the other guy."

"Wow! I'm dating a killer!" I laugh.

"Who may turn into a serial killer if she's going to have more discussions like the one from yesterday with her sweat American Literature professor!"

"Oook, I thought the thing with writers killing their characters when they're pissed was just a joke…"

"Yeah, me too!"

As we were both laughing I thought that today was going to be another wonderful day.

When we arrived at our meadow, we decided we weren't in the mood for work so we left our laptops in my car, getting only a blanket and some snacks. The way up was funny. She was almost flying around me. I don't remember to ever seen her so happy before... I was still trying to figure it out when we got lost in a funny debate about people's masochism. She had an interesting theory about how people, especially critics, tend to consider a movie a masterpiece only if it is a major drama, otherwise, it is just another nice movie.

In the second we reached the meadow, she run into the sunlight looking like a fairy... She is my fairy and this place would be completely empty without her. The way the sun was playing trough her hair was hypnotizing. I lean on to a tree and just watch her. Truth is I may be losing my sanctuary, because this place will never be the same without her, but it worth it, for all the wonderful moments we lived here together...

"Come on! Help me sat the camp!" said a playful voice.

"Sure, ma'am'!"

She took my hand and dragged me to our favorite spot. It was under a very old oak.

After we sat the camp, she lies down on her back with her eyes closed, with the sun was dancing trough her hair. Right then she was looking like an angel, an angel too perfect to be real. Without taking my eyes off her, I leaned by her side, still feeling unbelievably happy and smiling.

"You look so full of energy and happy today..."

"I'm usually like this when I'm with you. This is your effect on me." she answered smiling, without opening her eyes.

Her answer made my hart go crazy, so I lean in and kissed her.

"Still, there's something special… you're a little happier then usual. I could say you're putting Alice to shame."

"Like that would ever happen!" she laughs. "Trust me, it is all about you. I'll tell you later."

Now I was really curious! What did I do? If I knew what it is I'd do it everyday, maybe even more often!

A strand of her hair resting on her neck and glittering in the sunlight caught my attention. I took it in my hand and I start playing with it, but my hand end up on her neck. She didn't open her eyes, but a smile was lighting up her face. With my brain completely lost in the sensation of her touch, my hand was free to explore her neck line. When my fingers got to the base of her neck, I couldn't stop so I just went on, between her breasts. Her soft moan made my mind go blank, while other parts were sobering up. And like that wasn't enough she arched her back, raising her chest to my hand. I was freaking hyperventilating! She still had her eyes close while my hand fallowed her path, down on her tie and back up to her waist, only this time, I missed her t-shirt and got under it... She arched her back again moaning while her skin was like a magnet to me. With my hand still going up slowly, I was staring at her lips. Her eyes opened and I could see the lust inside them. Right now, my will was long gone and she could do anything she wanted to me with me... I was all hers! She bites her bottom lip and I completely lost it. In less then a second I was kissing her wildly, like I never did it before. Her hands flew in my hair and I moan. I felt a bit stupid about it for a second, but she just pulled me closer, which made me forget about it and do it again... and again...

At some point I realized it was raining, but honestly, I couldn't care less! She didn't seem to care either, so we went on. But the damn rain just couldn't let it go! It decided to turn into a freaking storm! We were all soaked and I could feel her shivering underneath me, so, even though it took a huge amount of effort from both of us, we stopped. We grabbed our stuff and headed down to my car. As we were running/swimming trough fresh mud, she slide and fall down on her back, dragging me along with her. We were now down on the ground, on our backs, holding hands, almost drowning in dirt and all we could do was laugh. After the hysterical laughter disappeared, we hardly got back on our feats. Unfortunately, or not, this biped state didn't last for too long because she slide again getting both of us back to 'the position'. Of course, I didn't mind at all, after all, she gave me a good excuse to lift her in my arms.

"Hey, I think I can handle myself!" she tried to protest.

"Trust me, it's safer for both of us this way!"

I got her in the car and when I fallowed, she climbed on top of me. But then, looking at the huge amounts of dirt we had on our skin and clothes, we decided the shower was a top priority.

Watching the rain hitting violent my windshield, I start to come back to my senses. What the hell was I doing? I never thought I'll ever wish to be castrated, but after all this... I knew this will happen some day, but I never imagine I will be so close to loosing it! I should have left a long time ago, when this first happen... I should leave now! But I can't just leave her like this, without any explanation.

I watched her staring out the window while playing absent with her hair. She turn her head, caught my eye and smiled, so genuine, so bright, so her. No, there was no way on earth I could leave! It would be cruel and selfish. Once, I made a promise to myself: if there's going to be someone to suffer, that will be me! Plus, at her place, with her parents around, we'll be safe. Yeah, there's no reason to worry.

When we arrived at her place, surprise! Her parents were gone for the weekend, visiting some friends.

Oookaay... Don't panic!

As we entered her room, with the grace of a pro' but still casual, like she'd just took of her jacket, she dropped her clothes down to the floor. My brain needed some time to process the whole thing: she was now looking for something in her closet, wearing nothing but black lace underwear, which looked... Well, hot would be an understatement! And so, I was hard again. Damn it!

"We should take a shower. Coming?" she asked playfully.

_Are you fucking kidding me? Right now I'd go to the end of the world and back with you!_ shouted a part of me as I start walking towards her. Meanwhile, another part of me was panicking. The second part won so I stopped and I shake my head. She looked at me slightly surprised.

"Ok, then I'll go first." she said going straight to the bathroom.

Once she closed the door behind her, I sigh. I was dying to get in there and make all those crazy fantasies come true, but I couldn't! I couldn't sleep with her without telling her about my condition, and I was too terrified about her reaction to be able to open up and tell her. I'm an idiot! I created a mess and I dragged her in it too! She...

The bathroom's door open and she came in leaving me breathless. With her wet hair and just a towel wrapped around her, she was even sexier. Seriously, is she trying to kill me? Cause it's working! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Okay, this is definitely not the right word to use right now! Now I missed the black, sexy lingerie. At least that one gave me the feeling she wears something...

She said something about clean clothes and disappeared. Meanwhile I was praying for her to be wearing a little more when she returns. When she came back, I gasped. She was wearing the same towel... Someone decided to kill me today!

I took a deep breath and start repeating myself all the reasons why I couldn't do this: she had no idea and she'll hate me when she'll find out; I could send her to death and that is something I could never forgive myself for; if I tell her now, she'll just kick me out, and that will hurt like hell!...

"Here." She says giving me some clothes.

"Thanks." I mumbled and went straight to the bathroom before I'd lose the shade of self control I have left and attack her.

"Want some help?"

_Yes!_ I screamed on the inside while I shook my head in response hopping she'll believe me stupid enough not to get the double meaning. As I close the door behind me, I thought I never hated my condition more then I do right now! And I'm not even taking into consideration the pain!

I got into the shower and let my body surrender to the cold water. I was shivering but at least it worked. Maybe she got some clothes on... I could here the hair dryer. Yeah, she's definitely dressed. That thought made me relax while I was going out of the bathroom.

And yeah, she was dressed... With a white t-shirt, no bra, and some black annoyingly short pants. Damn! Looking like this should be illegal! I moan while I could feel it getting hard again. Fuck! Maybe jerking off would have been a better idea... Though, I doubt that could help considering the situation.

She was standing on her desk, legs crossed, leaning her head to a side, her chocolate hair falling all over her neckline and down to an area I was strongly trying to ignore. Unsuccessfully, of course. This was staring to be way too much!

Completely ignoring the voice shouting to _turn around and start running_, my body was moving towards her. As I was getting closer, the voice was fading into background. When I got by her side she opened her legs and dragged me between them. And that was it.

I attacked her lips with full strength while my hands were running around her body, enjoying the sensation of every touch. She didn't fight back at all, on contrary, one of her hands was running trough my hair and the other one was on my lower back, pulling me closer. And there were no words to describe the way I felt right now... There were too many contradictory feelings: on one hand I was so overwhelmed on the fact that she wanted me too, but on the other I knew this was wrong, and knowing that there was no way I could stop by myself, scared me like hell. Somewhere in the back of my head, a part of me was praying for her to throw me out the window, or the door, or the chimney, or... I have no idea. I had absolutely no idea left in my head right now; all that was left in my head for now was the way her touch felt.

I took her in my arms and carry her to the bed. As I slowly sat her on the bad she did that back thing again, making me attack her again.

We were long gone, lost in our touches, somewhere where time didn't exist anymore. There were no connections with the real world, when she whispered in my ear:

"I want you!"

As much as the sentence drove me insane, it opened my eyes too. What the fuck was wrong with me? I couldn't do this to her! I'm such a jerk! I looked into her eyes and I saw lust, which almost made me lose it again, but beyond that I saw trust… and that hurt! I closed my eyes and kissed her gently, the way she deserve, with no sexual connotations, just trying to make her feel how much I love her.

"I want you too, you can't imagine how badly... But I just …can't do this." I whispered looking into her eyes and trying to let her see inside my soul.

I got up and went straight to the door, trying my best not to look back. I almost run to my car and droved as far away as I could, while her image looking at me hurt and puzzled was still burning in front of my eyes.

_**So… What do you think about it? I'm pretty nervous about it, being beta-less and all, so review and let me know what I screwed up, if I screwed and **__**if you want a full BPOV on this chapter or you'd rather me to go on with the story? **_

_**! Spoiler – chapter 16 ! :D**_

_**http : / psychofreak277 . blogspot . com / (just clear the blanks)**_


	17. Chapter 16 Worthless

**Hello everybody! I'm back… in a very much improved state thanks to my great friends, Subject1 and VickyC1 (yes, she's the one who started all this!), who wasted their time and neurons editing this for me! If you'll like this, you should thank them. :)**

**I really want to finish chapter 17 by Christmas too. Those two chapters will be my Christmas present for you. Enjoy!**

**xoxo**

**Worthless**

**BPOV**

There was a loud sound of breaking glass as I threw my glass of water against the wall. I can't believe it has been two weeks since he's left. Two weeks, 3 days, 7 hours and 46 minutes to be more precise. Days of nothing but silence. He never called, texted, e-mailed, or at least threw a brick through my window! I hate him! Or at least that's what I'm trying to convince myself of… The truth is, a part of me knew this would happen. It was just a matter of time…And as much as I hate to admit it, I can't even blame him for leaving. Now I've become allergic to my own image. There's no way I could blame him; he's just too fucking perfect for me and I've known it since the beginning! He's my own fucking masterpiece!

I had ran out of characters to kill, (though I had made some exceptions and killed some of them repeatedly in sadistic ways I never imagined I'd be able to write) I had to face reality and think about what had happened. I went through all kinds of theories, from being a virgin or gay, to being an ex-woman or having a phobia regarding sex. But beyond my sick imagination, there was only one theory that still stood: he saw how obsessed I was with him and he didn't want a stalker. But then why did he stay for so long? He either thought I would go back to normal with time, or either he didn't plan to be with me for too long. I was just a distraction for him… Alice told me he wasn't jumping into relationships with anyone, but I was beginning to think I meant something to him. But I guess that was my imagination, too. How could I be so stupid to believe I may be anywhere close to being "The One"?

I feel like shit! This whole thing was putting me down like nothing else before, except for the death of my parents. The funny thing is that even though I call 'respect' what he did to me, compared to what Jake did to me, his fucking respect hurt me ten times more! Another glass hit the wall in full strength. Damn it! If I go on like this I'm going to run out of dishes! Not to mention that I may die of dehydration!

As my phone starts ringing, I jump out of bed with my heart on the edge of exploding, until I see the caller ID and I sigh. I am in no mood to speak to Alice at the moment. Did I mention I hate my life lately? All my enthusiasm was now back to its depressive state. This has to stop! This was my normal reaction in the last few days and, even though I don't understand how this is possible, every time I see that it's not him, it hurts even worse. I don't know for how long I can take it.

The phone went silent in my hand while I was lost in my internal rambling. I really should call her back… unless I want to be the victim of another attempt of her 'rescue Bella operation'. So I take a deep breath and press that little scary button:

"Hi, Alice! What's up?" I say, using my best 'happy voice'.

"Not much. What were you doing?" she answers, destroying any hope I have left of getting away with it.

"I've just got out of the shower." I say, while I'm thinking, 'You're strong! You can do it, Bella! Just stay calm!'

"Great! Now get dressed and come to the hospital. I need to send Mom some stuff but I'm very busy and I can't leave. " she says in a sweet voice, way too sweet to be honest…

"And you heard that I'm doing home delivery lately, right?" I ask, still doing my best not to lose it.

"No, but I've heard you're not doing anything in particular lately so you _are_ available."

So, she wasn't going to let it go so easy.

"You know, it's not nice to lie to people just to get them out of their home!" I burst out loud, without thinking about the consequences.

"I'm not lying! Just because you love your vegetable state/condition you're in, which you know as well as I do that it's stupid and useless, it doesn't mean that the whole world is plotting against you! You're not the center of the Universe, sweetie, I thought you realized that by now!"

"No, I'm just The Sleeping Beauty! And I'd love to stay asleep!"

"Well, you will be The Rotten Beauty if you don't get your ass out of that house soon!"

"Hilarious!" I say sarcastically.

"Just get your ass here, it won't kill you! And if it does, I promise I'll make you the best funeral this town has ever seen!" I could hear the smile in her voice, but my will to survive was stronger then my need to laugh.

"You're sick!"

"Oh, and I forgot to mention… if you don't come I'll kill you myself. Which means that I'll have an event to plan anyway!"

"As I was saying…" I growled, rolling my eyes.

"I'm waiting…!" she says impatiently.

I hate Alice for always knowing what is going on in my soul! Her sixth sense is absolutely irritating! I dropped my phone on the bed and crawled to the bathroom.

In theory I knew she was right. Firstly, I knew this wouldn't kill me and I knew she was right, which I hate, and secondly, I love to vegetate!

**EPOV**

I barely halt a scream as my eyes meet the face in the mirror: a living dead! I'm still thinking about her constantly and it hurts like hell. The worst part is seeing her hurt face as I left, again and again. She looked like a hurt and helpless puppy. I ran as I did that day to fight the urge of throwing myself down at her feet and beg for forgiveness. But it would have been wrong. I couldn't continue risking her life like that. My strength was down to its limits. If she would kiss me one more time my resolve would break into pieces. This is the best way for her. Or, at least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself of…

It wasn't supposed to be like this! I should be the only one to suffer! But maybe she doesn't… maybe she's already over me. This thought hurt a lot, even though I know it shouldn't. The selfish side of me hopes she is still thinking about me, too. I hate that part! I know I just want to be loved, but I should be used to living without love by now. I know I used to be… I almost accepted that I'll never belong anywhere. I accepted the loneliness.

My alarm clock starts ringing. Damn! I forgot about my appointment! Great! All I need now is to meet Alice! She'll probably put me to death for hurting her little sister like this. Hmm, this doesn't seem to be such a bad idea… at least I'll get out of this hell called life.

Yeah, I'm definitely doing some progress! When the fuck did I become so lame?

In less then an hour I was driving towards hospital. Traffic was awful so I arrive 15 minutes late. As I step into the hallway I see the elevator doors closing and I run to catch it like my life depends on it. I know, I'm having the most idiotic reactions lately… But I got to regret it almost instantly as I turn around and face a pair of big brown eyes.

She was as beautiful as always even though the spark from her eyes was gone and she looked like she hadn't slept in ages. That just made me feel even worse. She seemed to be even more shocked to see me than I was, or maybe she wasn't trying so hard to hide it… Yeah, that's the way she always was: opened up and honest, while all I ever did was to drag her into this net of lies and secrets. Still, it felt great to have her so close to me again. I almost felt alive again. For what could have been a second or a century, I allowed myself to drown in those chocolate rivers again. Until she broke the spell by moving them:

"Hi." she said in a small voice.

She wasn't the strong and confident woman that I used to know… the one who could make me believe that rain falls from earth to the sky, if she wanted to. She looked pale and scared. She looked like me! Damn it! And this was a hospital after all… what if she's ill?

"What are you doing here? Are you okay?" I asked frantically.

" No. I mean yes. I just came to see Alice."

Yeah, I'm an idiot! I thought, slapping myself mentally. Her sister works here, you freaking genius! Wait… Alice? Damn!

"What about you?"

I'm so lucky I'm late; otherwise, she'd probably …

"Why are you here?" she asks again, raising her voice a little to make sure she has my attention.

"Me?" I asked, feeling like a retarded kid. Great, give her reasons to congratulate herself for getting rid of you! "I'm visiting a friend."

I have no idea why I said that, though it wasn't entirely a lie… I mean, I see Alice as my friend… But I wasn't just visiting…

While I was having those extremely ridiculous conversations with myself, inside Bella there seemed to be a battle in progress.

"About the last time…" she begins-,

"I'm so sorry" I interrupt her, "I've been a jerk and I perfectly understand if you will never want to talk to me again." I'm not sure I knew what I was saying, but I felt like I had to say something. I couldn't just let her take the blame for something which was entirely my fault.

"I didn't say…" she begins, raising an eyebrow.

"It's not about you…" I continued, unable to shut the fuck up for my own sake. "… You're wonderful but I just can't…"

"You know what," this time she interrupts me, with a determination that took me by surprise. "Stop it! I don't need your apologies; I don't need you to make me feel better! You should have just been blunt from the beginning with me! I don't blame you if you don't want me, I get it! I don't need a map for it!"

The elevator's doors open and she runs out, leaving me speechless. I could see the tears in her eyes by the last part of her determined speech and by now, I bet I had some in my eyes, too. As the elevator's doors closed behind her I leaned my head against them, not too gently. I pressed the highest button hoping it will take me to another galaxy or something. Why didn't I just tell her? What could have been worse then this? I acted like a fucking selfish bastard. This is all that I am: a fucking coward!

I should go and find her… but she must be with Alice by now. Alice… just in case she wasn't already completely decided to tear me into pieces, she definitely is now! And I won't be able to avoid her forever. And I don't even want to! I want to talk to both of them. Especially to Bella… She actually thinks I don't want her! Is she insane? I have to tell her! This way, she'll get to choose and the only one to get hurt will be me. She'll then see clearly that she has no reason to feel rejected.

The elevator's doors swung open and I stepped out on the roof. The sky was clouded and grey but for some reason it made me feel free. It made me feel strong. I knew she was going to hate me after she found out the truth. I know she'll never want to see me again, but I deserve it.

I needed to tell her right now before my courage fades away. What was I going to say? _Remember those jokes about me being dangerous? They are not jokes. I'm like a ticking bomb and I can destroy your life forever, like someone very dear did to me… _Yeah, that would be a funny conversation. I went back into the hospital and started walking towards Alice's office.

"Did he say he doesn't want you?" Alice's voice got me out of my internal rambling. I didn't even realize when I got there. I'm so loosing it!The door from her consulting room was slightly open and the shadows set on the floor looked like Alice was hugging something…

"I'm not stupid, Al! I know when someone is shoving me off!"

…And that something was definitely Bella!

"I hate you!" she said, sounding extremely tired.

Right then I was about to step in and tell her that she was right to hate me and…

"What?" asked Alice, confused.

"You told me it won't kill me going out! Well next time make sure there are no green eyed heartbreakers around!"

That one hurt. Badly! But Alice burst into laughter, which made me question her sanity once again.

But that doesn't matter now. I'm going to go inside and fall at her feet, begging for her forgiveness. It doesn't matter if she won't want to speak to me again, but at least she will regain her self-esteem.

I heard some steps getting closer so I quickly grabbed a brochure from the table standing right beside me and opened it in front of my eyes, trying to get unnoticed. I knew the guy passing; Mike Newton. He is a resident here and he gets along pretty well with Alice. He was in her supervision. I always hated him. Maybe because a part of me saw him as everything I used to be: smart, good-looking, able to make a good impression whenever it was needed, with a great career ahead of me (medicine was never on my list, but when I was in high school I won a spot in an Apple training program which equaled a free ticket to MIT and the perfect job as soon as I'd finish college). But then came _the news_ and there was no point, or time, for me to even think about a career. As I was saying: everything I will never get to be!

He passed by me without a glance at me and he got into Alice's consulting room.

"Well, well, look who's here!" he whined in a way that made me harm the poor brochure. He was hitting on her! "What happened to you? Who would dare upset such a charming young lady?"

"Someone who doesn't know who their messing with, I'm sure."

Alice's words hit me like a rock.

"Bella, whoever made you feel like this doesn't deserve your interest or your time," he continues, making me imagine how I could repaint the hallway with his blood. But the worst part was he was right. I am worthless from so many points of view. She deserves the good, perfect guy, who'll never make her feel unwanted just because he has issues!

"I have a pretty strong feeling that if I'd use this as a standard men have to reach, I'd have to marry a puppy!" she said sounding a little better, though the possessive part of me could swear she was just mocking him.

"My ex-girlfriend told me that I'm like a puppy… "

Oh, for god's sake, can he get more pathetic then this?

"Boss, I finished all the tasks for today, so do you think I may take this charming lady out for a coffee? I promise to be the perfect clown and make her forget about anything or anyone that upset her."

I wonder if they still giving life sentences for cruel murders…

"Well, good luck with that. For my part, at least, you're free for today."

I could see his shadow getting annoyingly close to her.

"Please… You could tell me more about your book…"

I saw Dexter and I'm a smart guy… maybe I can get away with it?

"It's not that much to say about my book right now… it's more like a graveyard." she says and they both start laughing.

And then it hit me: I was the one causing graveyards in her soul. Mike Newton was the one who could make her laugh. Ignoring her predilection for self destruction, for the first time, she was on the right track. I could see everything: they have a coffee, talk and he helps her get back on her feet. They start seeing each other more and more often, after a while she falls for him, and why wouldn't she? He's perfect! Before they realize it, they move in together, get engaged, get married, have kids, raise them and grow old together. At this point, the brochure was completely shredded and tears were running through my eyes.

Even if I'd get there and explain everything to her, even if she'd say she wants me despite of all this, what could I possibly give her? We could never move in together. I could never make her my nurse! We could never have kids- there would be no point to ever get married. I'd probably die way too soon, anyway.

I turn around and start walking towards the exit. I wasn't going to sentence her to a life of worries, sickness and pain. She can have everything, but for this I have to be out of her life. I'm like those dark grey clouds I saw earlier but she needs a sun. She deserves a sun! This is my own personal misery, but I'm used to it, or… I used to be…used to being worthless.

_**This was it… for now! :D Some of you may hate me now, but try to remember I'm not sadistic without a reason. :) (That one sounded sick!:)) ) Next chapter will light up your day, I promise. :)**_

_**You have a teaser on my blog just in case you're curious:**_

_**psychofreak277(.)blogspot(.)com ( Delete the brackets)**_

_**Thank you again for reading, fav-ing and reviewing this story! Suggestions, questions or any other observations are, as always, welcomed. :)**_

_**Take care! **_


	18. Chapter 17 Finding Balance

_**Uf, finally! I know it's not Christmas, but I couldn't finish it sooner. :( **_

_**Now, this is it. This is a very important chapter and I honestly hope you'll like it. I tried to make it funny too… not just on the edge and romantic. Let me know if it worked. :)**_

_**Special thanks to **__VickyC1 __**for editing this and **__xxxbulletxxx__**,**__CatherinCullen__**,**__ marianna__** for reviewing even though the last chapter was… slightly depressive. :)) I think this one will balance things up. If you'll feel like killing me on the way, just take a look at the ending. (though I don't recommend that if you want to really enjoy this chapter :D )**_

_**Thank you to all who are reading this. Love you all! **_

_**Previously:**_

"_Boss, I finished all the tasks for today, so do you think I may take this charming lady out for a coffee? I promise to be the perfect clown and make her forget about anything or anyone that upset her." meow Mike._

_I wonder if they still giving life sentences for cruel murders…_

"_Well, good luck with that. For my part, at least, you're free for today." said Alice._

_I could see his shadow getting annoyingly close to her. _

"_Please… You could tell me more about your book…"_

_I saw Dexter and I'm a smart guy… maybe I can get away with it?_

"_It's not that much to say about my book right now… it's more like a graveyard." she says and they both start laughing. _

_And then it hit me: I was the one causing graveyards in her soul. Mike Newton was the one who could make her laugh. Ignoring her predilection for self destruction, for the first time, she was on the right track. I could see everything: they have a coffee, talk and he helps her get back on her feet. They start seeing each other more and more often, after a while she falls for him, and why wouldn't she? He's perfect! Before they realize it, they move in together, get engaged, get married, have kids, raise them and grow old together. At this point, the brochure was completely shredded and tears were running through my eyes._

…

**Finding Balance**

**BPOV**

_Great!_ _I still don't understand how I let myself get dragged into all this! Like I need any more reasons to adore Ally for one day!_ _I can't believe how much damage she can do and she's just 5.1!_ I growled on the inside while I was starring at my new _coffee-partner_, thanks to Alice.

_"Of course she's going! She doesn't have other plans, I can assure you." _

I nailed her with my worst look ever but all I got was a chuckle while she rolled her eyes saying _"It's coffee, Bella, not marriage! Plus, I have my next appointment in 10 minutes and I'm afraid to leave you without supervision considering your condition."_

What was she afraid of? I may stalk and attack her future brother-in-law and he'll get a restraining order for all the family?

Mike was now staring at me with one of the most idiotic looks I've ever seen, though, I bet he was convinced of its extremely seductive effects.

"I always believed that when you meet your equal, your mate, you'll feel it from the first moment, though I was afraid this wouldn't be possible till that day when you spilt that coffee all over me! I never meet anyone who could curse so sensual and philosophical at the same time!" he said with the same idiotic-seductive look.

It took me a while to process what I just heard. He didn't actually say this! This guy is a lost cause! I freaking burn him to his flesh for god's sake! I tried to create a shy smile. Sorry, but this was the best I could do for now. Maybe feeling encouraged by my pathetic smile attempt he took my hand. Could this get any worse? Alice will owe me for life! But still, he's pretty good. He masked well the shock and disappointment given by the fact that I took my hand away faster than lightning could hit. He just continued his speech about the blue blooded of superior intellect and how special we both are. Even if I'd be in the mood to listen I'd probably just get disgusted. But his speech was the last thing I was thinking about.

His words still flew trough my head over and over again! I still can't believe this is for real!

And this guy won't just "Shut the fuck up!"

His eyes popped out like golf balls.

Did I just say that out loud? Ups…

"Excuse me?" He was bewildered by my reaction. So much for his acting skills. I guess everyone has a limit.

"I'm sorry, Mike." It was all I could say before I gave in to laughter.

He was now staring at me like I'd had 5 heads. I guess the fact that I start laughing by myself after I ignored his best jokes had something to do with it.

It took a while until I managed to finally calm myself.

"I really am sorry." I really was trying to kip a nice, serious face. "I'm an idiot. You see, I know you are a great, nice guy and I'm impressed by all your academic and professional accomplishments, but I'm not the nice, sweet girl who is swept of her feet by these things. The thing about me is that… I've already been swept."

As I watch his confused face I almost felt sorry for him, or for his ego to be more specific, because this was the only problem, a girl actually turned him down for once! It's not like he cared that much about me… He'll find another girl to 'sensually and philosophically' spill coffee on him.

I stood up and left the cafeteria feeling like a freaking drama queen from some bad soap opera. As I went past the front doors I burst into laughter again, thinking about the whole situation. But laughter turn into sobs as his image came back in my mind.

While I was inside with Mike it was like he was there with me. I felt him by my side again, taking my side, mocking Mike along with me… This was the reason why I was able to stay till now and I guess this was what gave me the strength for that burst too. But now, reality was back and it was freaking scary.

I jump up in my car and hoped that there is a chance to go to sleep and wake up to realize everything was just a bad dream.

- A week later –

God, I missed those lips! And now I was getting the best out of them, hungry and desperate.

A strong noise startled me, and worse, him! He starts to pull away and I was freaking out! _No! You can't do this to me! I need you! _

I tried my best to fight, to shout, to keep him with me, but his eyes became cold and scary while he was practically shoving me off. I was screaming louder and louder while I was starting to feel colder and colder... My arm starts to hurt as I was reaching for him.

"_Stop being such a pathetic looser! Of course it's about you! You're nothing!"_

Now my leg hurt too, but it was nothing compared to my hart. Suddenly a wave of icy coldness hit me in full strength!

"God damn it!" I scream feeling awake for real! "What the fuck?"

Someone must have pulled the curtains because I was blinded by sunlight.

"Fuck, Bella! I told you not too lock this door again! I had to break it! Luckily I had Jazz with me!"

I knew that voice... She had ... "What?" I scream trying to get up and failing lamentably, landing back on my ass.

The pain that run trough all my body was overtake just by the pain of my forever shredded ego! Jazz saw all this? Noo! Why does the world hate me so much?

"How bad was it this time?" I asked scanning the room for him. He was a good guy so he gave us some privacy.

"There were no name involved this time." she comforts me.

I let out a breath in relief. Well, at least all he knows now is that I'm writhing and shouting till I fall out of bed like any other mental person, he has no proves that this has anything to do with his brother-in-law!

"God, look at you!" Alice's tone was concerned… and scared... So I take a look.

So, I was on the floor now, as usual. What? Bed was too small for such a determined person! A brand new bruise on my leg was telling me where the leg pain was coming from. It seems I had again a problem with my bed's leg, or legs...

"Those things have to stop!" said Alice almost as determined as me.

"Yeah, totally agree! Why didn't I get that restraining jacket yet? I want to be able to go to the beach again someday!" from the look on her face she has no idea how serious I am.

"I'm glad you think this is funny!" she was starting to get angry… Maybe is better for her not to know how serious I am…

"Oh, come on, sis. You told me I have to stay positive in any circumstances. "

"And since when does hurting yourself have anything to do with being positive?"

Ouch! She looks like she's thinking to give me some help at bruising. Maybe I should at least try to look sane…

"You're right…" I said defeated. "…but I can't take them; I told you they make me sick!" I answered to the unspoken questions from her eyes.

"There is no way you could have any side effects from the ones I gave you the last time!"

"I don't know…" I said.

Well, actually they had a major one: I wasn't dreaming about him anymore, and that hurt even more then any bruise I could get! I needed him! I was addicted to those moments when he was nice and tender to me, before the dream would go crazy... I know! I'm a lost cause! And there's no way I could tell her about this.

Alice helps me to get back on bed.

"I don't know, Bella, it's a week since all this started… maybe you should run some tests."

"Please don't start! I'm begging you!" I said a little more desperate then I intended.

She looked worried, and I couldn't blame her. But I knew tests won't do any good, unless they are psychological. And those ones were scary!

"Anyway, this is not why I came for. I have to tell you something..." she frowns.

"If it's another one of your 'perfect Bella' theories you can forget it!" I growled. Last time I almost kicked her out when she start telling me about how much he loves me. Still, she didn't seem to even notice my reaction.

"No, it's not this. It's about him."

EPOV

In 26 hours it will be exactly a week since I put my soul behind me, since I decided to do the right thing for her. Not seeing her was hard but not seeing her knowing everything is over without a chance, it was worse then hell! If before I was a wreck, now I am a shell. If I love her? More then it could be healthy, but again, I got nothing to do with that concept. Will I ever move on? I honestly doubt this could be possible. Before I would use my family as the reason to get me through life, to make me keep going, but now even their existence is way too fade comparing to loosing her. I was out of reasons to laugh, to hope and to dream. Though it all began with dreaming, but now, after I lived for real the miracle, my imagination seemed to be way too poor.

"Hey!"

What the hell is Emmett doing in my room?

"How's my favorite little brother?"

Was that rhetorical?

"Fine, thank you." I answered trying to smile and actually look fine.

"Why aren't you downstairs with everybody?"

Like everybody was all I needed now! Yeah, sure!

"I'm not in the mood for it." It was another one of Carlisle's fancy parties without any special occasion. Just for the love of networking. Which I was allergic to lately, unless it had something to do with cyberspace?

Emmett sits down by my side.

"Bro, no offense, but this can't go on forever. You isolated in here for almost a week now and you look like shit!"

"Thank you. That's so nice of you!" I said as ironically as I could; trying to avoid what's next.

"And the thing is; you don't have to go through all this. She cares about you too and she's just as miserable as you are. There's no reason why you both should go trough all this!"

Yeah, like there would be any chance to make Emmett avoid the topic. But it was too late. He just opened the gate to hell and I burst:

"No reason? How about the fact that I'm fucking dying every day? How about the fact that I may drag her in the same situation? How about the fact that I already hurt her enough and she deserves someone better! Someone who can give to her completely, with nothing to interfere…"

"But you can give her all those too! While you were together your recovery was extraordinary and Alice told me she never saw her so happy before..."

"But that was all a lie! She thought I was something else! It's stupid to hope so high!"

"No! You believing that a virus can change you into someone else is stupid. You're a great guy, infected with HIV or not! The only moment when you hurt her was when you decided to leave! She's a wreck! No, to be more precise, she's like you!

She's like …me?

"No!" I shouted jumping on my feet. "She can't become like me! Don't you ever say this again! Never!"

Emmett was staring at me visibly taken aback by my reaction.

My pulse was racing and I felt like I was going to explode. Like everything in my universe was collapsing fast, and there was nothing I could do except to stay and watch. Hell was nothing compared to this! The room was spinning faster and faster and Emmett's panicked voice sounded more and more distant. My body became numb while I dive into darkness.

…

She's like you!

She's like you!

She's like you!

…

Emmett's words came back to me as a hammer. I opened my eyes fast desperate for a proof all this was just a bad dream.

White ceiling. Strange. My room is green.

"Morning sunshine!"

Her worm voice made me smile involuntary as my head snapped towards her. Maybe it was just a bad dream after all.

But when my eyes fall on her face they made my hart ache. She was pale and tired, looking like she hasn't been sleeping in ages. It reminded me of the girl I met that day at the hospital. The girl who run out of the elevator… Memories start to come back and things get clearer and clearer: it wasn't just a bad dream. It was just… life.

"Hi." I answered.

"I missed you so much! You scared me like hell!" she said taking my hand.

"Sorry…" I said half guilty, half surprised and happy. "What are you doing here?" I asked her as I realize something wasn't right.

"Well, Alice came to me and told me you're here. I told her I'm probably the last person you'll want to see, but she insisted that there's a reason for your behavior and you actually want me here." she said embarrassed. "But I knew this was a bad idea. I should go..."

"No!" I almost shout. "She's right. I want you here! More then anything!"

She looked at me bewildered and the spark in her eyes was coming back to life. Just seeing her like this was making me feel way more alive and strong enough to do everything. She sat down on my bed and took my hand. Then she asked me in a small, but determined voice.

"What happened?"

"I'm not sure, but I suppose is nothing out of ordinary ... Not for me, anyway." I trailed off thinking this should make sense for her if Alice told her.

"What do you mean not for you?" she asks looking confused for real. "Does the reason have anything to do with you being here now?"

"Yes, it has everything to do with it."

"Do you think you could tell me?"

She's so sweet. I really don't deserve her! She isn't demanding anything from me. She's giving me a choice, a way out of it in case there is no reason. How can she not see how special she is to me? I took her hand to my lips and kissed it. Her skin set my lips on fire. That's it. She has the right to know!

"I should have told you a long time ago and I hope you'll be able to forgive me after you hear the truth. But before that I want you to know you are a dream come true and these days with you were the happiest in my life."

She was looking at me with warm eye, but she was slightly frowning.

"You're kind of scaring me..." she says playfully but I could hear the worry behind her tone.

"Just promise me something, you'll listen till the end what I'm going to say and you won't run away screaming, at least not until I finish."

"Was this supposed to calm me down?" she asks rising an eyebrow and we both start laughing. Yeah, this was crazy. What I was trying? To make her run away before I even had the chance to start? Talking about sick twisted thinking!

I took a deep breath and I dive in:

"When I was 17 my girlfriend from high school cheated on me..."

"And you killed her and dumped her body in the woods?"

"That's what you call listening to the end?" I said between laughter.

"Hey, do you see me running anywhere screaming? You didn't say anything about questions and I was just trying to be perceptive."

"That's more like being sinister, but anyway." Then I pause. "And what if I did? I got angry and I lost it for a second and before I could realize what was happening, they were both dead." I did my best to stay composed, but it was so hard! Her face was priceless! She was frowning, but she wasn't running anywhere. I took a deep breath before I go on: "Now you understand why I can't be in a relationship? I'm just risking your life with every second I spend around you!" That one wasn't a lie!

"Well, that may explain a few things..." She still didn't look half as scared as a normal person would be. This is strange… and kind of shocking… "But if is something you can not control, I'm sure you are already on medication for it, and you never give any signs to be violent, not in a scary way, anyway. Plus, we can learn how to control it, the key is to learn the symptoms which come before the breakdown began, but first of all, I'll never give you any reasons to lose it." she finished determined and proud like she'd just solved a big mystery. I was still staring at her is shock. Did she just come up with a plan to make living with a serial killer easier?

"Are you mocking me?"

"No, I'm as serious as I can be. I never claimed to be sane though..."

"I can see that!" I say as I burst into laughter again. This confessing thing was quite funny actually.

But not for her. She was now sending daggers to me.

"Well, at least I'm a good entertainment! That should worth keep me alive! You don't find suicidal desperate idiots every day, right?"

Shit! She thinks I was mocking her?

"No, baby, I didn't mean it to sound like this! I have no idea why I said all this." I screamed as she was going fast straight to the doors. "I'm HIV-positive!" I screamed as a final try to keep her from going away. And it worked. She stopped and the time seemed to stop along with her. I was waiting for a sign, a curse, a punch, anything, but it looked like she wasn't even breathing. She was just frozen in place, facing the door. After a while, which seemed to be forever, she left her head on her back and sigh. I had no idea what that mean so I just went on:

"I was starting to feel sick so I went to a doctor. That's how I found out she cheated on me, when the results came… Alice was, and is, my doctor. My whole life was on hold from that moment until I found you." She was not turning around and that was killing me! I needed to see her face, her expression, like I needed air! "I never understood why she even let me get close to you knowing what I am..."

And then she turned... She was smiling sad, with tears is her eyes.

She looked for something in my eyes and then she said: "Alice is a very smart girl and she knows me better then I ever gave her credit for. Now, let me tell you what you are: my own personal miracle who showed me that I can matter for somebody and make me feel like I deserve to be happy for the first time in my life. You showed me I can actually live, and that meant enough to me to make me go beyond the whole killing thing! That should give you a hint."

She winked. Seriously?

"But you don't understand; I could get you infected too! I could ruin your life! Plus, look at me! I'm a wreck! I'll be nothing more then a burden for you! Maybe you don't see it now, but one day you'll hate me!" I said even though every word burned trough me.

Something from her eyes went off.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked on a voice which told me I was loosing her. I panicked.

"I wanted to, you have no idea how much, but you are, and you always were, very special to me and I felt it was going to hurt too bad when you'll leave like all the other ones did." I said desperate.

As I watched the tears stream down her beautiful face, I knew she has seen the real me for the first time. She saw the monster in me: the one who lied to her and put her in danger. I'm not Mr. Right anymore! How could I ever be?

"You know what hurts the most? You put us through all this just because you don't trust me!" she says in a broken voice.

I was in shock; this was definitely not the reaction I had expected. I wanted to tell her that it was not her who I didn't trust; it was me who couldn't be trusted. I can't believe that after she heard everything she's still taking the blame upon her! Just before I open my mouth and say the words, my eyes fall upon the window, on those dark grey clouds and I remember that she needs, and deserves, the sun.

She turns around and I closed my eyes. I wanted so bad to stand, catch her arm and not let her go, but I was too weak. As much as I tried my body wouldn't respond. Damn it! Tears were streaming from my eyes too and I felt like screaming.

I heard some slow steps and the door closing. So this was it. It was over.

I could feel the coldness of my tars which couldn't be compared with the darkness from my soul. Suddenly warmth surrounds me as a pair of soft lips touched mine. Drawn to them as a magnet I was unable to let them go. As part of me was afraid to open my eyes and see I was just hallucinating from the medicines, my hand went up to her neck and as it touched her skin it pulled her close to me. Her arms were all around me, moving fast. I couldn't be that good at hallucinating! I opened my eyes and she was there, looking back in my eyes.

"You should know me better then that. I will never leave you, not as long as you want me here." she kissed me again.

The cocktail of feelings was impossible to describe... I just pulled her closer to me and kissed her. Not just that she said she's not leaving, but she knows everything and she's still here, all over me, without any restrains, not even thinking of how dangerous I am. The machines I was connected to went crazy while we got carried away, completely forgetting about our location. I have to admit now I was grateful she closed that door. I'm pretty sure the hospital policy on indecent behavior is not too permissive.

Our lips separated only when we run out of air. She laid her head on my chaste, without moving an inch away from my body. I took her hair away from her face and whispered: "I love you!"

"I love you too! More then you can imagine."

She looked so peaceful and happy...

So maybe we have a chance... And by some really twisted judgment of fate, she was meant to be my angel, at least till now... All I know is, till now, only together we are able to find balance.

_**So, this was it. What do you think? Does it worth the waiting? Was it up to your expectations? My exams start this week so I don't know when I'll get to update again… And I'm not even sure if I should update it… What do you think? Do you think this could be a nice ending?**_

_**Thank you so much for reading this. Review and let me know what you think.**_

_**xoxo **_


End file.
